for the past week or so i have been trying to be angry at people. i have been trying to direct what i feel inside. i have been trying to justify hurt with anger. and sometimes i get frusturated. but i am not being true to myself.
i am not truely angry. i am hurt and desperately want the pain to stop, but not hateful. i will not let myself become biter or angry at people. i truely love and truely forgive. forgiveness at this point is a day to day action. i trust that soon it will be automatic. letting go of the anger and hurt. remembering that we all make mistakes. and then remembering to love. it is putting everything i have said about love to the test. if i truely love someone that fact would not change because that person hurt me. and it hasn't. it's something new that i haven't experienced before.
so to everyone that has seen me in a moment of pain and aguish know this. i let go of my hurt and pain and replace it with love. i replace the words of hate that i desperately wanted to feel, with the caring words that i truely feel. we are called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. i don't think i have any real enemies, but if i ever see them i hope that i can love them. somehow.
this is how i truely feel, i have failed myself by pretending to feel hate or animosity. i choose forgiveness. i choose peace.
and that is my heart.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
ramblings#18
red bull was not what i needed. but there were these two girls and they had back pack coolers of red bull. and right now i am will take whatever i can get my grubby little hands on. to make it through the next hour.
i have been learning so much lately. it's all coming so fast. and you don't just learn the lesson and that's that, you continually live these things out everyday. it's hard and sometimes i don't see what good is going to come out of any of it. i am learning what it means to love myself. it is so good to have such encouraging friends who show me who i am when i get down. i hope that i learn to do this by myself soon. even though there is no shame in letting your friends pick you up.
jake said something really meaningful to me last night. jake in the next two years i promise i will get something going. sooner than that. i love you. your faith in me really touches my heart. i can't wait to start something. it's what i was meant to do.
it means so much when someone else sees it in me.
i have been learning so much lately. it's all coming so fast. and you don't just learn the lesson and that's that, you continually live these things out everyday. it's hard and sometimes i don't see what good is going to come out of any of it. i am learning what it means to love myself. it is so good to have such encouraging friends who show me who i am when i get down. i hope that i learn to do this by myself soon. even though there is no shame in letting your friends pick you up.
jake said something really meaningful to me last night. jake in the next two years i promise i will get something going. sooner than that. i love you. your faith in me really touches my heart. i can't wait to start something. it's what i was meant to do.
it means so much when someone else sees it in me.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
ramblings#16(thoughtsonencouragement)
about a week ago i was told something that truly humbled me. I was walking through work and an old man told me, "Matt, you look a little more like a man each time i see you." i was shocked. how could he have known that that was just what i needed to hear?
thank you lord.
thank you lord.
Monday, April 4, 2011
ramblings#15(wombleandwolfman)
brothers and sisters. pray for me.
as the wolfman howled at the moon, the poor little womble wormed his way around the devil's garden. the great h drought was not yet over and as they were not accustomed to such inferior h, they thought it best to conduct their evening business in the rose garden. "i could have sworn i left some here once" wolfman cried as they relentlessly searched the garden for even the smallest trace of high quality h. and that's when they saw her. one look and they knew she was a rotter. it was unmistakable. she was quite charming, but one look into her eyes was all it took to know who she was. "i have one vial" they heard her say from her cold red lips, smiling at their groveling. desperately trying to seduce them. wolfman looked at womble and they both ran like hell. "what a rotter" wolfman laughed. womble just stared straight ahead. how he wished he had not recognized her for what she was. how he wished h was not in short supply. how he wished he was back in wormwood scrubs, ironically free as a bird. but all that he could tell his dear friend was, "it's a pity 2,000 quid just ain't what it used to be. will this drought ever end? i can't afford it to go on much longer."
as the wolfman howled at the moon, the poor little womble wormed his way around the devil's garden. the great h drought was not yet over and as they were not accustomed to such inferior h, they thought it best to conduct their evening business in the rose garden. "i could have sworn i left some here once" wolfman cried as they relentlessly searched the garden for even the smallest trace of high quality h. and that's when they saw her. one look and they knew she was a rotter. it was unmistakable. she was quite charming, but one look into her eyes was all it took to know who she was. "i have one vial" they heard her say from her cold red lips, smiling at their groveling. desperately trying to seduce them. wolfman looked at womble and they both ran like hell. "what a rotter" wolfman laughed. womble just stared straight ahead. how he wished he had not recognized her for what she was. how he wished h was not in short supply. how he wished he was back in wormwood scrubs, ironically free as a bird. but all that he could tell his dear friend was, "it's a pity 2,000 quid just ain't what it used to be. will this drought ever end? i can't afford it to go on much longer."
ramblings#13
running on about three hours of sleep if that. so worn down. not just tired. i feel like that kid. with a head full of doubt. so i'll scream till i die or the last of my bad thoughts are finally out.
yeah i know. my heart is screaming. just give me the strength for today lord.
yeah i know. my heart is screaming. just give me the strength for today lord.
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