Tuesday, June 28, 2011

ramblings#63

it's hard not to ask why is this happening to me? although that is ridiculous. comparatively i have it so easy. it just seems like everything is going wrong. it is really wearing me down.

Friday, June 24, 2011

ramblings#62

those were more liberal times as i recall. so i sit here in the evening of the day and i fear only one thing. letting my whole world come crashing down before i feel that i have given it a fair chance. oh well. as i have found no where men, it is never the way we plan it out. and when the nights have gone. tomorrow never knows.

Friday, June 17, 2011

ramblings#61

finally the hardest semester of my life is over. i cant even begin to explain how hard this time has been for me. i have a shoebox full of papers that can. where i poured out who knows what onto paper. even the memory of some of the nights i have spent in the past few months seem like such a burden. loneliness, desperation, hurt, anger, love, sadness, forgiveness, patience, joy, peace. where am i supposed to go with it all? some would never look back, keeping it hidden from sight, choosing to bury it all because of the pain that it brings with it. but i don't want to do that. i want to embrace all of my story even the parts where my back is broken. i'm still not sure how i will embrace this or where the story goes, but i do know that i keep faith. we can't take anything or anyone for granted. that's the only thing i can emphasize. so give it everything you got. my love feels so much deeper now. i used to say those words and they were so easy. i feel like they have earned so much meaning now. to everyone. i know that i am terrible at articulating the feelings that i have. i don't think i paint a 5th of the picture i want to paint in these. the only thing i want to convey is how much i love each one of you. i don't know everyone that reads this, but after all that i have been through i wouldn't want anyone to think for a single second that i don't care about them. and maybe this won't sound genuine at all because its real hard to sound sincere on the internet. but i love you. thanks for being with me the past few months. i cant thank you enough. for all that you have ever done for me. i love you.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

ramblings#60(morethoughtsonlove)

if i could paint you the most vivid portrait of love could it compare to standing beside the grand canyon at sunset? could it convey the joy felt reuniting with an old friend? the comfort of knowing you're home? the salvation of something honest and true? the warmth of a strong embrace?
we never stop growing. my love is much vaster now than it has ever been.
especially today.

i love you.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

ramblings#59(iaintgotnohomeinthisworldanymore)

i used to enjoy coming home. i really did. it was nice visiting my family but feeling acomplished having moved out, gotten away, to be in pursuit of happiness. around august i realized i didn't like coming home anymore. seeing old friends became more tragic than anything else, (i apologize for how vain that sounds) and apart from my families, i had little interst left in tehachapi. the last couple times i have come home have been especially hard. i can't even begin to explain. though i know these are rational emotional responses, and that they may well pass, i still am haunted by the ghosts.
that midnight train keeps rollin by,
i'm so lonesome i could cry.
but i am okay. it's okay to feel this way. i don't have a home anymore. tehachapi doesn't feel like my home anymore, neither does azusa. i was reading kyle greenberg's blog a month or so ago and he quoted someone who was talking about the same feeling. maybe i know that this earth is just a tempermental place. that the kingdom is coming.
i think of woody guthrie.
now as i look around it's might plain to see
this wide and wicked world is a funny place to be
oh the gambling man is rich and the working man is poor
and i aint got no home in this world anymore

What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon.

You know. that's just what i'll do.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

ramblings#58

i don't like when my stuff get's stolen.
however it looks like some good may yet come out of this.
and that is how life goes.
i love you all.