ramblings#40

now this is what it's all about.

ramblings#39(thoughtsonworrying)

I think worrying is maybe my worst character flaw. I realize that both of my parents worry about a ton of little insignificant things, and they probably in turn passed that on to me. But i worry about way too much. Or at least i used to. Lately i have been doing really well at letting go of all of the little things. I still am worrying about some bigger issues, but i am training myself to only take things ones step at a time and realizing that it has never ever helped me one bit to worry about these things. Some people might say that if i didn't worry i wouldn't be being true to myself, that that is just who i am. I say to them. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. When i was younger so much younger than today. I didn't have a care in the world. I didn't worry about the future. That was the point. No future. I was probably the most confident and secure back then when i didn't worry about everything. Oh there were things that bothered me, and it wasn't like i never had troublesome thoughts. But i never let them consume me, like i have somehow gotten accustomed to as of late. And so i say this. I let go of all of my worries. I am done making myself sick over nothing. I am done putting shit into my head that isn't even there. No Future for me. This will probably be a process that takes quite a bit of effort at first. I am confident that i will return to that state of mind that doesn't poison myself with useless worries.

I owe a lot of this outlook to my dear friend, and the biggest, and fat-est, arsenal supporter i know. Mr John Lydon. Thanks johnny. You never let me down.

ramblings#38(beingillwithwant)

Well, something has had me for a long time. I have been the type of person that let my lust for material possessions severely affect my life. I have been ill with want to borrow a line from those wiser than i. It took me this long for me to realize that nothing that i can posses will bring me true happiness. The only thing that is really worth investing in is the relationships that you have with those around you. It is sickening to look back on the things that i valued in my heart, over the the things that i had with actual value. The real relationships i had at my fingertips waiting for me to invest in. It is abundantly clear to me now that from now on, the only thing that i will place value in is my relationships with people. I am so tired of longing for things that have no real value in my life. I am excited to start investing in friendships, placing value in people, and longing for a deeper connection with all those that i encounter. I apologize dear friends that it has taken me this long, but i will never look back. No longer will i remain "ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed."

i'm sure that i will have many more thoughts on this. I will share them as they come.

matthew

ramblings#37

ramblings#36

Some thoughts have gotten stuck inside my head. This is an attempt to unstick them. Right now books are probably the best things for me. Besides socializing with all of my friends, books seem to be doing the most for me. Well books and writing things like this blog. I like new thoughts roaming through my brain. I'm at a point where i could go round and round and round if i let myself. And so i need distractions. These distractions are not bad things. They do not change anything about what i have learned or what i want to accomplish. They are just keeping my head focused.
My dad gave me some really encouraging words today. I love my dad. He has a lot of love in his heart. I do too. But his is really something else.
Not so much a time for thoughts. More a time for actions. Time for heroes really.

ramblings#35

i am going through a lot right now. i have a lot i have learned. I have a lot i need to deal with. the biggest thing at present is showing myself who i truly am. Throughout my life i have always been confident and secure. Somewhere along the way i started depending on those around me to assure me that i was these things. I do not need that. That is not loving. That is not kind. It can not be the responsibility of anyone except yourself. I am today who i have always been. Matthew Allan Pinckard. I love who i love, but i do not expect them to validate who i am. They do not give me self worth. I know what i am worth. Love is caring about yourself just as much as you care about someone else. I have that. I always have. It was just easier to rely on somebody else to make me feel confident. Easier. Childish. But i am a better man for having gone through it, with something learned. I will not let it repeat itself. From now on, i will carry that love for myself proudly along with the love i have for others.

I have a full day ahead of me. I am strong enough to see it through. with the love for everything i know still intact. the love for myself. the love for all of those that i cherish and ultimately want the best for. the love for all that is good.

ramblings#34

ramblings#33

ramblings#32

ramblings#31

im making this for dinner tomorrow.

http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Black-Beans-and-Rice/Detail.aspx

ramblings#30

ramblings#29

ramblings#28

ramblings#27

ramblings#26(thoughtsonsurvival)

ramblings#25

ramblings#24

ramblings#23

ramblings#22(3/20/11

weliveinacoolneighborhood

ramblings#21(thoughtsontheavettbrothers)

explanation to the following ramblings

the next few posts i will be sharing, are much like my other ramblings. the only difference being that these are the ones that i took the time to put ink to paper. they are from the past few weeks. i hope that sharing them brings the same release all of my other posts have given me. After all that is what this is all about. These are for me. These are once again, my heart.


matt

ramblings#20

ramblings#19(thoughtsonforgiveness)

for the past week or so i have been trying to be angry at people. i have been trying to direct what i feel inside. i have been trying to justify hurt with anger. and sometimes i get frusturated. but i am not being true to myself.
i am not truely angry. i am hurt and desperately want the pain to stop, but not hateful. i will not let myself become biter or angry at people. i truely love and truely forgive. forgiveness at this point is a day to day action. i trust that soon it will be automatic. letting go of the anger and hurt. remembering that we all make mistakes. and then remembering to love. it is putting everything i have said about love to the test. if i truely love someone that fact would not change because that person hurt me. and it hasn't. it's something new that i haven't experienced before.
so to everyone that has seen me in a moment of pain and aguish know this. i let go of my hurt and pain and replace it with love. i replace the words of hate that i desperately wanted to feel, with the caring words that i truely feel. we are called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. i don't think i have any real enemies, but if i ever see them i hope that i can love them. somehow.
this is how i truely feel, i have failed myself by pretending to feel hate or animosity. i choose forgiveness. i choose peace.
and that is my heart.

ramblings#18

red bull was not what i needed. but there were these two girls and they had back pack coolers of red bull. and right now i am will take whatever i can get my grubby little hands on. to make it through the next hour.
i have been learning so much lately. it's all coming so fast. and you don't just learn the lesson and that's that, you continually live these things out everyday. it's hard and sometimes i don't see what good is going to come out of any of it. i am learning what it means to love myself. it is so good to have such encouraging friends who show me who i am when i get down. i hope that i learn to do this by myself soon. even though there is no shame in letting your friends pick you up.
jake said something really meaningful to me last night. jake in the next two years i promise i will get something going. sooner than that. i love you. your faith in me really touches my heart. i can't wait to start something. it's what i was meant to do.
it means so much when someone else sees it in me.

ramblings#17

i would be sad.

ramblings#16(thoughtsonencouragement)

about a week ago i was told something that truly humbled me. I was walking through work and an old man told me, "Matt, you look a little more like a man each time i see you." i was shocked. how could he have known that that was just what i needed to hear?

thank you lord.

ramblings#15(wombleandwolfman)

brothers and sisters. pray for me.

as the wolfman howled at the moon, the poor little womble wormed his way around the devil's garden. the great h drought was not yet over and as they were not accustomed to such inferior h, they thought it best to conduct their evening business in the rose garden. "i could have sworn i left some here once" wolfman cried as they relentlessly searched the garden for even the smallest trace of high quality h. and that's when they saw her. one look and they knew she was a rotter. it was unmistakable. she was quite charming, but one look into her eyes was all it took to know who she was. "i have one vial" they heard her say from her cold red lips, smiling at their groveling. desperately trying to seduce them. wolfman looked at womble and they both ran like hell. "what a rotter" wolfman laughed. womble just stared straight ahead. how he wished he had not recognized her for what she was. how he wished h was not in short supply. how he wished he was back in wormwood scrubs, ironically free as a bird. but all that he could tell his dear friend was, "it's a pity 2,000 quid just ain't what it used to be. will this drought ever end? i can't afford it to go on much longer."

ramblings#14

someday things will be better. that's all that i know for sure.

ramblings#13

running on about three hours of sleep if that. so worn down. not just tired. i feel like that kid. with a head full of doubt. so i'll scream till i die or the last of my bad thoughts are finally out.

yeah i know. my heart is screaming. just give me the strength for today lord.

ramblings#12

what do you do, where do you go when the party's over? well i have been keeping busy. one thing is for sure, sam crittenden's house is going to be the coolest place in glendora. oh wait. it already is. there is a zipline into the pool in the works that will be ready to go by next week, and the poop shoot is getting re-tarped. cause you have to do that to poop shoots every now and then. tarp em up. if you don't know what i'm talking about you need to go to sam's house. as matt bolt always says, "it's like disneyland, except it never closes."
clean shaven or die. it makes me really happy that at least some people in the world can grow legitimate beards. the house smells like weed. i guess i am the one who would notice something like that. but it doesn't bother me. i love these guys. i have some real friends and brothers in them. it's sad that it took me until now to realize this.
tonight is boys night. so if your boys want to die you let em. girls wanna cry forget em. i love that line. BITERS. everyone should listen to them.
does anybody know any one that wears ben sherman clothes? i love ben sherman. they are so english. so all the skins and mods van pretend its 1969 forever. and that sounds fantastic.
i have been going on a lot of runs lately. this is good because, a. i have always wanted to start running again, and b. running helps me clear my head. and that is always a good thing. soccer has been so therapeutic to my life. but i have discovered that following it too closely is not. not that i don't love arsenal, but lately i have all but forgotten the season and that is a good thing. i am not really a sports fan. i think i like football because of the idea of community, your friends by your side, and staying loyal to a team until you die. i think i can only be a big soccer fan when i'm on top. and it's weird, these days no one is loyal to a team based on geography. of course i shouldn't say no one, but people don't have to be. "my team" is thousands of miles a way. anyway enough about football. that's not really what has been on my mind at all.
i am going through a tough time in life. i feel like i am changing for the better and growing, but that doesn't make things easier. growing up is not easy. but i am proud of myself for learning. i have really been working hard at becoming the man that i am, and that i will be. it won't happen in two weeks, it won't happen in a month. but it's happening whether i like it or not. i am proud of the way i have been tackling it head on, as hard as it is everyday. i pray that i never let my guard down. i want to learn from every experience in my life. i want to live a life i am satisfied with. and that's all a man can hope for.
laundry is done. time to cook. a new recipe a week. that's what i am shooting for. so far so good.
and it feels so good just to say what i need to say. i can't wait to scan some things and share them. i can't wait to write more of them.

ramblings#10

i have spent the first part of the day doing work around the bolt household. it feels really good. putting things up. thinking for yourself. working. problem solving. i love it. it is great to help other people. it is great to learn new things that make you a more responsible and ultimately a more knowledgeable person. i need to do more of that. it just feels good.