for the past week or so i have been trying to be angry at people. i have been trying to direct what i feel inside. i have been trying to justify hurt with anger. and sometimes i get frusturated. but i am not being true to myself.
i am not truely angry. i am hurt and desperately want the pain to stop, but not hateful. i will not let myself become biter or angry at people. i truely love and truely forgive. forgiveness at this point is a day to day action. i trust that soon it will be automatic. letting go of the anger and hurt. remembering that we all make mistakes. and then remembering to love. it is putting everything i have said about love to the test. if i truely love someone that fact would not change because that person hurt me. and it hasn't. it's something new that i haven't experienced before.
so to everyone that has seen me in a moment of pain and aguish know this. i let go of my hurt and pain and replace it with love. i replace the words of hate that i desperately wanted to feel, with the caring words that i truely feel. we are called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. i don't think i have any real enemies, but if i ever see them i hope that i can love them. somehow.
this is how i truely feel, i have failed myself by pretending to feel hate or animosity. i choose forgiveness. i choose peace.
and that is my heart.
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