ramblings#9

what i would do for something to say. i just feel exhausted. my soul is tired. my mind is tired. i have been going up and then down and then up and back down. i guess that's a part of the process. i want to just drive. i am looking forward to a week off of school for spring break. i am going to use everyday of it, no every hour of it to rest, relax, refocus, and recharge. i don't want to go home, but it will be good for me to do so. i want to cry. i want to scream. i want to go out and shake the world. i want to laugh. i want to sing. all at once. i am trying hard to stay focused on me. i really like myself. i want to try harder. i want to move faster. but you speed up time. you can't shut yourself off to this process. you can't stop growing. i am growing up. and i'm becoming a better man for going through it. and i will always be. i have a long way to go, even though it feels like i have come so far. i still have a long way to go. i thought i had a grasp on the whole one day at a time idea, but now that i have really come to terms with it, it is much better than i imagined. it is not an easy adjustment, and you can never forget about the people you love and care for. but just take things as they come. cherish the moments that the day brings you. it's a balance. look forward to the future but be present and honest with yourself everyday. it is easy to say, but it means so much more to act upon and live by.
my friend sevanna got a job at ikea. how awesome is that? what a place to work. it reminds me that we need a new coffee table. we'll have to go get one once she starts working there. i am continuing to try and find a new job. i almost had one at the student book store but my class schedule prevented me from being able to get the job. that is such a bummer. but i keep looking, and i keep trying. who knows what i will find. lets see what the next hour has in store for me.

ramblings#8

oh boy. there are times when i stop and think. and think and think and think. it's important to remember that worrying about every little thing does nothing but drive you crazy, and those around you crazy as well. It's a breath of fresh air to let them all go. this is one of the ways i do that. i wish i had learned this lesson sooner. but the important thing is that i am learning the lesson.
the new rob bell book arrived yesterday. it's already a good interesting read. it is really soothing to my soul right now. i like that. i like that a lot.

ramblings#7

i have dreamed for two weeks straight. i never dream. at least i never remember my dreams. i guess i need to put a notebook right next to my bed so that the moment i wake up, i can write down my dreams. i would like to remember them.

ramblings#6(thoughtsonabrokenscanner)

i make it a point to try and write these out physically. i like it that way. i feel human. not that i will go on and on about how the internet is the ruin of mankind. i think it's a very useful tool, and it is helping me release. i have no complaints there. but right now my usage is very purposeful. i hope that it remains that way. anyway. when i write these out physically i like to photograph them. and then upload them. i can't wait to do that. i have a back log of work that has been flowing out of me. but it's just as good to get them out, as it is to upload them. i don't need to upload them. but i would like to. it feels nice to share these things. even if they are going unheard, the act of putting it out there for anyone and everyone is the important part.
astronomy. how fun. i can not wait to finish this course. the things we go through. and come out stronger, wiser, and better. It is hard to see. hard to remind yourself. but ultimately true.
i feel the need to get a tattoo. it is good to get them in times of trial. it reminds you forever what you went through. i have been considering a tiger head for a long time. thinking purely that i like the idea of an old sailor jerry type tiger head, just because. i have a lion's roar inside my head. waking me up, never letting me rest. it's a good thing.
i'm on this path. i enjoy the journey. when i think of where i have been, and where i am, i am amazed. where i will be tomorrow i don't know. that's more exciting than it sounds.
i ordered rob bell's new book. i need something to focus on. i love reading. i love learning. i love searching. i am excited to read this book. the george washington biography is good, however i need a little more right now. i need something to chew on. i'm a biter.
once school is over i will go home. and spend some time with my friends. that's who they are. it's so good to be that with them. never take any relationship for granted. our interactions with human beings mean so much more than we think they do. i am working on the ones that i can. some i can not work on at this point. in time i will be able to. i am learning to be content to focus on the ones that i can now. there is a lesson in it. i am sure of it.
i like poetry. peter doherty is a poet. he really is. the scenes he paints are so vivid and honest. he is an english rose himself. rising to the occasion of the times. inviting us to china town for opium and tea. pray don't look back into the sun. the time will come, and they said it would never come for you.
so much in my head. i let it leak out onto the screen. guard down. horse is brown. people learn, change and grow. they are not predetermined to be someone. things happen because you make them happen. that's true to some extent. be honest. be willing. listen. i have not done that in too long. i pray its not too late. it never is.
it never is.

French Word Of The Day (mot du jour)

rigoler-Definition: (informal) - to laugh, have fun, joke

J'ai bien rigolé en regardant ce film - I laughed a lot while watching this movie.

On a bien rigolé, ce soir - We had a great time tonight.

Tu rigoles ! - You're joking!

Related: (all informal) la rigolade - a bit of fun; rigolard (adj) - grinning, ready for a laugh; rigolo (adj) - funny; un rigolo - comic, funny person

Pronunciation: [ree guh lay]

ramblings#5

i stare vacantly at the keyboard. but oh so pretty. why is class canceled? Not that it does any good. right now being in class is probably worse. Attention spans are shrinking all over the world. Our generation, once expected to have at least a 30 second attention span, has had their minds bombarded and battered. They have worn down to the point of 15 seconds, or i turn away and forget about it. It makes the intro so much more important i guess. Focus on the task at hand. Lest we forget. Forgot. Too late.

ramblings#3

just let it all out. run around until you just fall down asleep. i'm letting these fly faster than a ramones tribute band. ouch. shoes. don't think. just feel. i have done a lot of thinking. i need to do a lot of feeling. it is release. let me tell you. once you find release. don't stop. things will build up again. don't let it back up too much this time. but that can take a life time to figure out. but it doesn't have to. you could figure it out a lot faster. and sometimes the process can be accelerated. but when the minutes feel like hours. and days feel like weeks. it seems that things will take a lifetime. and that is why i need my friends. we all need our friends. especially now. it has been a real joy to realize that i have some incredible friends. i have real brothers. and i have new friends that have been there for me after i have failed them for so long. sevanna scott is a wonderful person and a true friend and i love her dearly. i hope that our friendship continues on and on and on. i hope that i can serve her as a real friend. that would make me so happy. nick gividen is my brother. i love nick so much. the friendship nick has shown me over the last two weeks reminds me what it means to have a best friend. i am so glad that god is using nick this summer and that he is going to be in azusa with me. i have really missed him every summer. it is gonna be great to have this friendship this summer. and right now in the mean time. jake salley has become my brother these past two weeks. words of wisdom and guidance. friendship. counsel. love. what a friend i have in him. and there are the usual brothers. matt bolt. andrew rehfeld. brian moreland. sam crittenden. and there is andrew bowerman. andrew has shown me love in so many ways. his example has had a huge effect on everything. forever changing my perspective. i love andrew,and i can't wait to see how his love and compassion changes the world. i expect nothing less of it. kassidy heal and matt bohlka have been another set of big brothers to me. i have looked up to kassidy ever since i can remember and it is so incredible to have a real friendship developing with him and matt. they have let me know that they are there for me. showing me love, helping me every step of the way. i have a million ideas that bounce around in my head. i am learning so much. time waits for no one. i want growth. i want compassion. love that passes understanding. healing. wisdom. guidance. friendship. i can't get enough. i can't get enough. my head hurts. my heart hurts. my mouth hurts. my soul is weary, but it is growing. i feel it now.

french word of the day

abreuvoir-watering place

ramblings#4

and here we go. away and away and away. "what the fuck do you want?" he muttered from the dark room. "get out of the room you much." "you dare say that to me before i've had me sausage you nub ill slit your throat cookey!" "piss off sorry i've distrurbed you morning wank, there is an h drought you know." "well i'm going to china town anyways" "yeah?" "eah" "fuckin ell." "will you get out of bed we got a car waiting?" "sorry nob." the door slams shut.

ramblings#2

the time we spend wasting time. i don't want to waste another second of my life. i never want to be complacent again. i was taught this lesson so long ago. when did i decide that it wasn't important? now i feel that it is the most important aspect of my life. i will be done with school in two years. i hope that i can start or join a band like the BITERS or the Booze. i want that for myself right now. this week i have decided that i don't want to double major in music. it was weird coming to this realization that i never wanted to be a studio musician. i never wanted to be a band teacher or a guitar instructor. at least at this point. i want to become the best musician that i can be. i think that four semesters of music theory have been useful tools to better me as a musician. and i want to start taking lessons and playing so much more consistently. but i never wanted to be making a living off of music, just to say i was making a living off of music. i want to do it on my terms. i can't hold myself back any longer. i need to write and play and really reach for the stars. i love playing bluegrass music. i love rock and roll. i love the idea of being in a rock and roll band with people that get it. The BITERS get it. THe Booze get it. The Avett Brothers get it. Nick gets it. Jake gets it. I get it. You know who i really admire in regards to being a musician. Kyle Greenburg. He is not a music major, yet he puts in so much time and effort on his instrument. It is so awesome to see the dedication and effort that he puts in to not only music, but a lot of the aspects of his life. it inspires me to do the same. music is so crucial. it's hard right now. i need new music. i need the music that has never let me down. i need to just crank up an old tube amp and melt into the tone that rattles my teeth. because music is in the bones. i don't know where the fuck i got it from. but it's in the bones. it's in the bones.

ramblings#1

saw a bench in the park that had g town skins on it. crossed out to say g town mods, crossed out again to say g town skins again. and we all fall down the hill. laughing because we don't want to cry. and you have to grow. always grow and learn. and change. and most importantly love. never stop loving.

i never understood that. until now. i hope that on my tombstone it says he never stopped loving. he fought cynicism until the bitter end.

there is something about the brotherhood of john, paul, george, and ringo that never fails. just four boys from liverpool who grew up in front of the world. totally in love with rock and roll. and each other. if the beatles had never broken up, it wouldn't be as magical. in the end they were destined to implode. they carried the weight of the world on their shoulders for ten years. they eased the pain of vietnam, the assinations of jfk, and mlk. they were there when we walked on the moon for the first time, and they are always there when we need them to be.
i will start writing about what these bands mean to us. i have a lot that i want to share. and when i can't share i'll share more.