Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
ramblings#75
so this washes over you. my french dog blues.
chein bleu.
Je n'ai pas peur de ce qui se trouve devant moi. Le futur est non écrit. Je suis massacre moi-même pensant, je suis tombé comme les feuilles
chein bleu.
Je n'ai pas peur de ce qui se trouve devant moi. Le futur est non écrit. Je suis massacre moi-même pensant, je suis tombé comme les feuilles
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
ramblings#74(anhourwithpeter)
this is very inspiring to me. pete doherty talking about the songs that shaped his life. i especially love the part about "free as a bird". john paul george and ringo come and pass the hours away. read the last two paragraphs. if you read it at all.
Pete:
Funny thing about the army barracks is...the shit jokes. Contradictory, i know. Likewise, i remember hearing a lot of army related songs in those formative years. Mostly about Hitler's genitalia, or lack there of, the QM's stores, and one perennial favorite that went something along the lines of, "left, right, left, right, left," which i could hear belting out from the parade square even as i put on my first ever single purchase-Jive Bunny and the Master Mixers, 'That's what i like.' Hell seeing days. Your second to last enclaves of upwardly mobile underclass muttering disciplined salute-signaled obedience to the very last enclaves of bona fide officer class ooray'Enries. The first song that made me smile behind the barbed wire and blood pool from where one 'army brat summer activity' javelin instructor had carelessly thrust his spike through a pal of mine's head was Dereck B's 'Get Down'. It was the eighties, i was eight and the bloody tape recorder ate my tape, but not before I'd sat agog many an hour, listening repetitively to the premier UK eighties hit pop artistes Derek B and Easy Q. They spoke of a long far off place called east London. The furthest east I'd been was Tottenham Court Road. They spoke of "Cuts that rumble like earthquakes", "Sticking sawn-offs up the noses of the guards" and more intriguingly to my once innocent ears, some female acquaintance who had "two big things like basketballs and down below was like Niagra Falls". The tape died, but a vision was born.
To the bemusement of my school friends and probably my family, the twelve year old junkie rocker in training was an obsessive listener to Chas and Dave Christmas Jamboree 12"s. These treasures were the North London duo's mass medley of old school music hall songs. And I'm talking about songs, a lot of which had never even been recorded, some dating back to the Virginia Plantations. They were lyrical, often melancholy, littered with single entendres and always melodic in extremis. Even as my eyes were being drawn to the volumes of war poetry in a downstairs closet, I was mesmerized by 'Harry Was A Champion','A Big Fat Fly Flew By Fat Flo's Flat', 'When You Go Down 'oppin', 'Down the Road'. There was a 'Bloomin Riot' and countless ditties about old bald heads, sticks of celery, Chinese laundries and one that later partly popped up as a crucial verse in a popular Libertines song:
"the other night i go to a ball they calls me Cinderella/and upon my coat i wears a button hole and they calls me tiny fella/next to me comes old Mother Brown, pulling up her railway socks/says to me come and have another dance cos its aint quite twelve o'clock/so off we go, round and round, but there's gonna be some trouble i know/cos i got no buttons on me trousers/and me pins ain't none too strong/hurry up Mrs. Brown I can feel it coming down, and it wont take none too long".
Somewhere between the pillows and the skies, amidst the stark satanic thrills of adolescent whimsy, there's a second hand record shop. Lets say its in Nuneaton. Lets imagine a wonky fringed fifteen year old striding purposefully towards it with his paper round money in his hand. He carried the money openly to make the record shop owner think he was gonna buy stuff, but the week before he's seen a strange apparition, a call to arms even:some right bramah had paraded out of the same shop wearing a t-shirt saying 'Shoplifters of the World Unite'. Later that day the earth collided with the sun, all the clocks started going backwards, even though they were melted and i didn't watch that evenings edition of Noel's House Party. I sat in a room bedecked with QPR memorabilia and stolen library books, a chewed up Derek B tape and a periscope from an Iraqi tank the old man brought had brought back from the Gulf...and my life changed forever. I started something I couldn't finish' cranked into life and something divine occurred to me. Within six months I had officially taken up residence inside Smiths songs. 'Well I Wonder', 'Jeanne', 'Real Around The Fountain', 'Nowhere Fast'. I think "The Boy with the thorn in his side' made me want to pick up the guitar. 'This Charming Man' quickly made me want to put it down again and then 'Rubber Ring' left me in two minds.
Moving on...Its summer 1997, I'm dossing at my Nan's flat in London NW2 working at Willesden Green cemetery. By now I'm in possession of Benny, a crappy old Spanish guitar that is causing serious rifts in the domestic politics on Nana Doll's gaff. My cousin Lee Cassidy had a flat in an opposite block. i sat gobsmacked in his kitchen before work one morning as he told me that he'd never listened to guitar music just dance, rave, jungle etc. "Hang on though Pete, hold tight..." and 'Fools Gold' by the Stone Roses blasted out across the room. Bloody Hell, what the fuck is this? I looked at my cousin and then at my feet. Oh, this must be dancing.
Peabody College, Bruce Grove, sometime in 2001. The rain was playing havoc with my attempts to finish my novel. What with the fact that my bedroom roof had just caved in. Aside from that, my girlfriend had ended another vicious row by running down Tottehnham High road in her neglige. The car i had bought off a young Dole-scrounging, heroin addicted would be superstar Johnny Borrel didn't fancy the trip (what with it being two hundred and seventy five quids worth of absolute shite) and i stood shaking awhile, the radio alarm came on and a sports reporter told me that QPR had just lost at home in front of a record crowd low. The phone rang, my jobseekers allowance key worker was calling to remind me that i needed to come in today as they had concluded their investigations into my false claims and I was to be signed off and issued with a demand to repay two years worth of benefit fraud. The phone rang again. It was B.T. They were cutting the line. I stubbed my toe on the sideboard and stumbled down the stairs, cracking my head on the record player and spinning it into life. 'Good Morning Heartache' sang Billy Holiday at slightly the wrong speed. I made two promises to myself. I'm gonna have that chord progression one day, just see if i don't. And I'm never buying a used car off Johnny Borell again.
Times and dates are now a little vague, i could bang on all day about the whens, the wheres and the whyfores of Immortal Technique's 'Fuck You', Arthur Lee and Love's 'Your Friend and Mine', 'I Wish' by Mick Whitnall, Wolfman's 'For Lovers', the theme tunes to Steptoe and Son, Fools and Horses, Rising Damp and Hancock's Half Hour, Donna Summer's 'Love to Love You Baby', 'Chaos in the courtroom' by the Bandits, 'The Modern Age' by The Strokes, but instead I'm putting my flag in the ground and its staying there forever. If this article should get edited, think only this of me; there is a corner of some skanky Victorian gaol cell, that is forever Billy Bilo's and it was there that I squashed my ear up against the crack in a door and listened to 'Free As A Bird' by the Beatles coming out of the Screw's transistor radio from the landing below.
"Turn it up Gov" I begged. He turned it down.
"What's that Doherty?"
"Can you turn the radio up please Guv".
"Listen to him, will ya, he thinks he at the Camden Palace, this is Scrubs mate".
"It's called Koko's now you fat northern cunt" I muttered under my breath.
"No" came a voice from the next cell "its definitely Scrubs".
In fairness, the prison guard in question did turn the radio back up, but the song was ending, being followed on the Capitol Gold playlist by 'Cool for Cats' by Squeeze. Well, you can't loose them all can you?
Pete:
Funny thing about the army barracks is...the shit jokes. Contradictory, i know. Likewise, i remember hearing a lot of army related songs in those formative years. Mostly about Hitler's genitalia, or lack there of, the QM's stores, and one perennial favorite that went something along the lines of, "left, right, left, right, left," which i could hear belting out from the parade square even as i put on my first ever single purchase-Jive Bunny and the Master Mixers, 'That's what i like.' Hell seeing days. Your second to last enclaves of upwardly mobile underclass muttering disciplined salute-signaled obedience to the very last enclaves of bona fide officer class ooray'Enries. The first song that made me smile behind the barbed wire and blood pool from where one 'army brat summer activity' javelin instructor had carelessly thrust his spike through a pal of mine's head was Dereck B's 'Get Down'. It was the eighties, i was eight and the bloody tape recorder ate my tape, but not before I'd sat agog many an hour, listening repetitively to the premier UK eighties hit pop artistes Derek B and Easy Q. They spoke of a long far off place called east London. The furthest east I'd been was Tottenham Court Road. They spoke of "Cuts that rumble like earthquakes", "Sticking sawn-offs up the noses of the guards" and more intriguingly to my once innocent ears, some female acquaintance who had "two big things like basketballs and down below was like Niagra Falls". The tape died, but a vision was born.
To the bemusement of my school friends and probably my family, the twelve year old junkie rocker in training was an obsessive listener to Chas and Dave Christmas Jamboree 12"s. These treasures were the North London duo's mass medley of old school music hall songs. And I'm talking about songs, a lot of which had never even been recorded, some dating back to the Virginia Plantations. They were lyrical, often melancholy, littered with single entendres and always melodic in extremis. Even as my eyes were being drawn to the volumes of war poetry in a downstairs closet, I was mesmerized by 'Harry Was A Champion','A Big Fat Fly Flew By Fat Flo's Flat', 'When You Go Down 'oppin', 'Down the Road'. There was a 'Bloomin Riot' and countless ditties about old bald heads, sticks of celery, Chinese laundries and one that later partly popped up as a crucial verse in a popular Libertines song:
"the other night i go to a ball they calls me Cinderella/and upon my coat i wears a button hole and they calls me tiny fella/next to me comes old Mother Brown, pulling up her railway socks/says to me come and have another dance cos its aint quite twelve o'clock/so off we go, round and round, but there's gonna be some trouble i know/cos i got no buttons on me trousers/and me pins ain't none too strong/hurry up Mrs. Brown I can feel it coming down, and it wont take none too long".
Somewhere between the pillows and the skies, amidst the stark satanic thrills of adolescent whimsy, there's a second hand record shop. Lets say its in Nuneaton. Lets imagine a wonky fringed fifteen year old striding purposefully towards it with his paper round money in his hand. He carried the money openly to make the record shop owner think he was gonna buy stuff, but the week before he's seen a strange apparition, a call to arms even:some right bramah had paraded out of the same shop wearing a t-shirt saying 'Shoplifters of the World Unite'. Later that day the earth collided with the sun, all the clocks started going backwards, even though they were melted and i didn't watch that evenings edition of Noel's House Party. I sat in a room bedecked with QPR memorabilia and stolen library books, a chewed up Derek B tape and a periscope from an Iraqi tank the old man brought had brought back from the Gulf...and my life changed forever. I started something I couldn't finish' cranked into life and something divine occurred to me. Within six months I had officially taken up residence inside Smiths songs. 'Well I Wonder', 'Jeanne', 'Real Around The Fountain', 'Nowhere Fast'. I think "The Boy with the thorn in his side' made me want to pick up the guitar. 'This Charming Man' quickly made me want to put it down again and then 'Rubber Ring' left me in two minds.
Moving on...Its summer 1997, I'm dossing at my Nan's flat in London NW2 working at Willesden Green cemetery. By now I'm in possession of Benny, a crappy old Spanish guitar that is causing serious rifts in the domestic politics on Nana Doll's gaff. My cousin Lee Cassidy had a flat in an opposite block. i sat gobsmacked in his kitchen before work one morning as he told me that he'd never listened to guitar music just dance, rave, jungle etc. "Hang on though Pete, hold tight..." and 'Fools Gold' by the Stone Roses blasted out across the room. Bloody Hell, what the fuck is this? I looked at my cousin and then at my feet. Oh, this must be dancing.
Peabody College, Bruce Grove, sometime in 2001. The rain was playing havoc with my attempts to finish my novel. What with the fact that my bedroom roof had just caved in. Aside from that, my girlfriend had ended another vicious row by running down Tottehnham High road in her neglige. The car i had bought off a young Dole-scrounging, heroin addicted would be superstar Johnny Borrel didn't fancy the trip (what with it being two hundred and seventy five quids worth of absolute shite) and i stood shaking awhile, the radio alarm came on and a sports reporter told me that QPR had just lost at home in front of a record crowd low. The phone rang, my jobseekers allowance key worker was calling to remind me that i needed to come in today as they had concluded their investigations into my false claims and I was to be signed off and issued with a demand to repay two years worth of benefit fraud. The phone rang again. It was B.T. They were cutting the line. I stubbed my toe on the sideboard and stumbled down the stairs, cracking my head on the record player and spinning it into life. 'Good Morning Heartache' sang Billy Holiday at slightly the wrong speed. I made two promises to myself. I'm gonna have that chord progression one day, just see if i don't. And I'm never buying a used car off Johnny Borell again.
Times and dates are now a little vague, i could bang on all day about the whens, the wheres and the whyfores of Immortal Technique's 'Fuck You', Arthur Lee and Love's 'Your Friend and Mine', 'I Wish' by Mick Whitnall, Wolfman's 'For Lovers', the theme tunes to Steptoe and Son, Fools and Horses, Rising Damp and Hancock's Half Hour, Donna Summer's 'Love to Love You Baby', 'Chaos in the courtroom' by the Bandits, 'The Modern Age' by The Strokes, but instead I'm putting my flag in the ground and its staying there forever. If this article should get edited, think only this of me; there is a corner of some skanky Victorian gaol cell, that is forever Billy Bilo's and it was there that I squashed my ear up against the crack in a door and listened to 'Free As A Bird' by the Beatles coming out of the Screw's transistor radio from the landing below.
"Turn it up Gov" I begged. He turned it down.
"What's that Doherty?"
"Can you turn the radio up please Guv".
"Listen to him, will ya, he thinks he at the Camden Palace, this is Scrubs mate".
"It's called Koko's now you fat northern cunt" I muttered under my breath.
"No" came a voice from the next cell "its definitely Scrubs".
In fairness, the prison guard in question did turn the radio back up, but the song was ending, being followed on the Capitol Gold playlist by 'Cool for Cats' by Squeeze. Well, you can't loose them all can you?
Monday, September 26, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
ramblings#72
maybe i was just an idea. a long haired rock and roll loser. with tattoos and england's dreams. but i KNOW that i was and am much more than that. and i would be sad to think i was or could be anything less.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
ramblings#71
fine that's how you want it. apparently i mean nothing. and that is why it is so fucked up. friendship wasn't ever a real intention. i'm just there to fill a void. a gap whenever you're bored. when there is nothing else going on. when its convenient. i don't know you. i have got to get out of here. i'm drowning. why couldn't you have just left?
and even if i could say or show the bottom of my soul. my fucking throbbing heart spilled all over the stage, it wouldn't mean anything to you.
get me out of here.
and even if i could say or show the bottom of my soul. my fucking throbbing heart spilled all over the stage, it wouldn't mean anything to you.
get me out of here.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
ramblings#70
you know i have really been trying. do you think it is easy? no it's not. but i have been trying my best. and for what? obviously i am the only one who cares. all of my actions seem to mean nothing. all the thought i have put into everything. the pain, the humiliation, the stress. apparently my relationship in any form doesn't really mean anything.
its a horrorshow.
its a horrorshow.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
ramblings#69
i don't know. i don't know anymore. look at it any way you like. i don't know anymore.
you can tell me that i do. but i don't. that's probably hard to face.
you smug faced crowd with kindling eye
who cheer as soldier lads march by
sneak home and pray you'll never know
the hell where youth and laughter go
you can tell me that i do. but i don't. that's probably hard to face.
you smug faced crowd with kindling eye
who cheer as soldier lads march by
sneak home and pray you'll never know
the hell where youth and laughter go
Saturday, August 13, 2011
ramblings#68
cause its a long ways to go, a hard row to hoe
its a long way to go, but in the meantime
its a long way to go, but in the meantime
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
ramblings#66
i have to let it go. once and for all let go of the pain. i feel like if i let go of my pain, everything will be gone forever. that is not true. it has been a burden for far too long. i cant move forward being attached to it anymore. it's not letting go of my love, it's just the pain and it's at that point where all it's doing is keeping me down. lord give me the strength to let go of the pain once and for all.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
ramblings#64
pirate love? really? after everything that i lived and breathed? it's insulting.
because everything is different on the otherside. they are all authentic and you never see them outside of that show, and so they stay like that in your mind. and even all of the old pictures show them, engraved forever on the king's road as thick as thieves. but that is never the full story, and so the thing you put all of your belief in to never really existed. in the end johnny rotten wears designer clothes and has done an advert for butter. steve ignorant reformed crass. and sid vicous died.
and you just decided to pay attention?
because everything is different on the otherside. they are all authentic and you never see them outside of that show, and so they stay like that in your mind. and even all of the old pictures show them, engraved forever on the king's road as thick as thieves. but that is never the full story, and so the thing you put all of your belief in to never really existed. in the end johnny rotten wears designer clothes and has done an advert for butter. steve ignorant reformed crass. and sid vicous died.
and you just decided to pay attention?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
ramblings#63
it's hard not to ask why is this happening to me? although that is ridiculous. comparatively i have it so easy. it just seems like everything is going wrong. it is really wearing me down.
Friday, June 24, 2011
ramblings#62
those were more liberal times as i recall. so i sit here in the evening of the day and i fear only one thing. letting my whole world come crashing down before i feel that i have given it a fair chance. oh well. as i have found no where men, it is never the way we plan it out. and when the nights have gone. tomorrow never knows.
Friday, June 17, 2011
ramblings#61
finally the hardest semester of my life is over. i cant even begin to explain how hard this time has been for me. i have a shoebox full of papers that can. where i poured out who knows what onto paper. even the memory of some of the nights i have spent in the past few months seem like such a burden. loneliness, desperation, hurt, anger, love, sadness, forgiveness, patience, joy, peace. where am i supposed to go with it all? some would never look back, keeping it hidden from sight, choosing to bury it all because of the pain that it brings with it. but i don't want to do that. i want to embrace all of my story even the parts where my back is broken. i'm still not sure how i will embrace this or where the story goes, but i do know that i keep faith. we can't take anything or anyone for granted. that's the only thing i can emphasize. so give it everything you got. my love feels so much deeper now. i used to say those words and they were so easy. i feel like they have earned so much meaning now. to everyone. i know that i am terrible at articulating the feelings that i have. i don't think i paint a 5th of the picture i want to paint in these. the only thing i want to convey is how much i love each one of you. i don't know everyone that reads this, but after all that i have been through i wouldn't want anyone to think for a single second that i don't care about them. and maybe this won't sound genuine at all because its real hard to sound sincere on the internet. but i love you. thanks for being with me the past few months. i cant thank you enough. for all that you have ever done for me. i love you.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
ramblings#60(morethoughtsonlove)
if i could paint you the most vivid portrait of love could it compare to standing beside the grand canyon at sunset? could it convey the joy felt reuniting with an old friend? the comfort of knowing you're home? the salvation of something honest and true? the warmth of a strong embrace?
we never stop growing. my love is much vaster now than it has ever been.
especially today.
i love you.
we never stop growing. my love is much vaster now than it has ever been.
especially today.
i love you.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
ramblings#59(iaintgotnohomeinthisworldanymore)
i used to enjoy coming home. i really did. it was nice visiting my family but feeling acomplished having moved out, gotten away, to be in pursuit of happiness. around august i realized i didn't like coming home anymore. seeing old friends became more tragic than anything else, (i apologize for how vain that sounds) and apart from my families, i had little interst left in tehachapi. the last couple times i have come home have been especially hard. i can't even begin to explain. though i know these are rational emotional responses, and that they may well pass, i still am haunted by the ghosts.
that midnight train keeps rollin by,
i'm so lonesome i could cry.
but i am okay. it's okay to feel this way. i don't have a home anymore. tehachapi doesn't feel like my home anymore, neither does azusa. i was reading kyle greenberg's blog a month or so ago and he quoted someone who was talking about the same feeling. maybe i know that this earth is just a tempermental place. that the kingdom is coming.
i think of woody guthrie.
now as i look around it's might plain to see
this wide and wicked world is a funny place to be
oh the gambling man is rich and the working man is poor
and i aint got no home in this world anymore
What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon.
You know. that's just what i'll do.
that midnight train keeps rollin by,
i'm so lonesome i could cry.
but i am okay. it's okay to feel this way. i don't have a home anymore. tehachapi doesn't feel like my home anymore, neither does azusa. i was reading kyle greenberg's blog a month or so ago and he quoted someone who was talking about the same feeling. maybe i know that this earth is just a tempermental place. that the kingdom is coming.
i think of woody guthrie.
now as i look around it's might plain to see
this wide and wicked world is a funny place to be
oh the gambling man is rich and the working man is poor
and i aint got no home in this world anymore
What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon.
You know. that's just what i'll do.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
ramblings#58
i don't like when my stuff get's stolen.
however it looks like some good may yet come out of this.
and that is how life goes.
i love you all.
however it looks like some good may yet come out of this.
and that is how life goes.
i love you all.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
ramblings#57
it's still a little hard to take in. it's been a hard day's night, but it looks like it's getting better.
boy am i tired.
i think that a pool party is in order in the near future. also another trip to the beach.
school gets out soon.
vowels are movin.
i can't believe how i life works.
this is the life.
believe it or not i haven't forgotten any of it.
boy am i tired.
i think that a pool party is in order in the near future. also another trip to the beach.
school gets out soon.
vowels are movin.
i can't believe how i life works.
this is the life.
believe it or not i haven't forgotten any of it.
Friday, May 27, 2011
ramblings#57
tomorrow i go in for tattoo number three. the last two months. two and a half have been hell. for the first time in my life i want this tattoo to represent that. as cool as it will look, it will be a reminder of just what i went through and who i have become.
i look back at who i was just two months ago. that was then, this is now. honestly i have never been more determined than now to do as the best i can. i have lost sight of that somehow. it is hard to pardon myself for that. this whole semester has been such a blur. i wish i could do it all over again from an academic standpoint. i have made it but just barely. and in some ways i haven't.
i exhale, and let all of my worries out. we can torture ourselves. we really can. you poor tortured soul. you're alright son. you'll be alright. Turn off your mind, relax
and float down stream
It is not dying
It is not dying
sometimes i don't know what the fuck i am going on about. but i just got to get things out. sometimes i am trying so hard to formulate an idea that just doesn't seem to come out quite like i want it to.
so please lets just try.
i look back at who i was just two months ago. that was then, this is now. honestly i have never been more determined than now to do as the best i can. i have lost sight of that somehow. it is hard to pardon myself for that. this whole semester has been such a blur. i wish i could do it all over again from an academic standpoint. i have made it but just barely. and in some ways i haven't.
i exhale, and let all of my worries out. we can torture ourselves. we really can. you poor tortured soul. you're alright son. you'll be alright. Turn off your mind, relax
and float down stream
It is not dying
It is not dying
sometimes i don't know what the fuck i am going on about. but i just got to get things out. sometimes i am trying so hard to formulate an idea that just doesn't seem to come out quite like i want it to.
so please lets just try.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
ramblings#56
after all my ramblings have been posted, and all of the dust settles, the train pulls into the station and i put my bags down. only what is honest, and true will remain. in the end i must live a man of my word. i am not helpless. i do not fear the future or what it may hold. i stay true to what i know. it is not my nature to not take initiative. who have i become in the recent past that i have sunken in to anything than what i truly am? I have so much more confidence,conviction, and promise than i have shown. and so i apologize to my dearest friends. though i suppose no apology is needed because that is what friends are for when you are down on your luck. but i apologize none the less. to my dearest friend. I have not been the man you knew i was. all that i can do is try my best to live up to what i know i can be. and that is all that i am trying to do. with humility. with sincerity that i hope my life can reflect. all that i ask is that a genuine image is reflected. it has not been in a while. it pains me to admit.
i forgive myself.
i forgive myself.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
ramblings#54
good grief. i am getting worn out. just a few weeks left of this semester. on to summer school. i like summer school. i like getting classes done. its exciting.
It's down to me and my last cigarette. The blind fold comes on and I'm up against the wall.
The list of things we said we'd do tomorrow. Let's do them all today.
Lord give me the strength.
It's down to me and my last cigarette. The blind fold comes on and I'm up against the wall.
The list of things we said we'd do tomorrow. Let's do them all today.
Lord give me the strength.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
ramblings#53
The things that each one of us can do. It's amazing the potential that we all have. Potential for good, potential to hurt, potential to heal, potential to change. Lately i have been discovering the potential that i have. I am going to be done at citrus by this fall. After that i am going to be able to finish school within one year. I may even graduate early. And so i am realizing just how important each day can be. Use them wisely. Get everything that you can out of them. They do not go on forever. We all have enormous potential. Let's do our best to live up to who we know we can be.
That's how i know I'm having a good day.
That's how i know I'm having a good day.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
ramblings#51
I am at a loss for words today.
I think I'll share some words that are not my own today.
Excerpt From Romancing The Looky Loos By Dave Hickey from his book Air Guitar: Essays on Art and Democracy
"They think you just get up there and sing your songs," he is saying, addressing the highway. "They think it's just a one-way deal, but it's not like that at all. Because you start out playing for people who are just like you. That's the only place you can. You play for people who comes from where you come from. They seek you out in little clubs because they understand what you're doing, so you feel like you're doing it for them. And if you go wrong in these clubs, you know it immediately. And maybe you want to go wrong. That's your option, but you know it when you do it. Then one day you're not playing for people like you anymore. You look out there, like I did tonight, and realize that you're playing for people who want to be like you, and you can't trust these people. Because to them, whatever you do, that's you and that's cool. Which would be okay except!--even though all these people want to be like you, you don't know who you are anymore, because it was the people in those little clubs that gave you that understanding in the first place. God knows where they are tonight. Sitting at home, probably. Pissed off at me. Listening to Willie Nelson records."
He is speaking with Waylon Jennings in this part of the book.
I am ready for today. I am ready for whatever comes next.
I think I'll share some words that are not my own today.
Excerpt From Romancing The Looky Loos By Dave Hickey from his book Air Guitar: Essays on Art and Democracy
"They think you just get up there and sing your songs," he is saying, addressing the highway. "They think it's just a one-way deal, but it's not like that at all. Because you start out playing for people who are just like you. That's the only place you can. You play for people who comes from where you come from. They seek you out in little clubs because they understand what you're doing, so you feel like you're doing it for them. And if you go wrong in these clubs, you know it immediately. And maybe you want to go wrong. That's your option, but you know it when you do it. Then one day you're not playing for people like you anymore. You look out there, like I did tonight, and realize that you're playing for people who want to be like you, and you can't trust these people. Because to them, whatever you do, that's you and that's cool. Which would be okay except!--even though all these people want to be like you, you don't know who you are anymore, because it was the people in those little clubs that gave you that understanding in the first place. God knows where they are tonight. Sitting at home, probably. Pissed off at me. Listening to Willie Nelson records."
He is speaking with Waylon Jennings in this part of the book.
I am ready for today. I am ready for whatever comes next.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
ramblings#50
Are you really happy or are you just having fun?
there is a difference. when i was happy i should have had more fun.
there is a difference. when i was happy i should have had more fun.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
ramblings#11(thoughtsonlove)
i have learned a lot about love lately. i thought i knew enough about it. you can never learn enough about it. i thought that i could explain it. I thought that it was explained in itself, because i felt it so strongly. i am getting a whole new perspective on things.
love is so deep. it is deeper than i could ever articulate. i wish i could. i will try to as accurately as possible. love is not always easy. it's something that takes constant work. never fool yourself in to thinking that it is something you can coast on. you have to work hard at it. even when it comes naturally. love is hope for the best, not for yourself, but for someone else. love remains even during the worst times, not just when love is received in turn. if you truly love someone that fact will not change no matter what the person has done to you.
i am reminded of matt bolt. matt and i can argue, disagree, and sometimes physically fight each other. we'll go our separate ways mad as hell at one another. The greatest thing ever is that i know that i will call him the next morning and say, "what a difference a day can make." there are times when i think that he's a grade a asshole, but my love for him remains no matter what. that is unshakable. i'd give that guy bone marrow in a heartbeat. if it were 15 on 1 i would fight till the death with that guy. he's been to hell and back. he's been there for me, for twenty years. that's love.
i think of jake salley. jake has shown me enormous amounts of love lately. what i love about jake is that he has a belief in a better tomorrow that is so essential. jake and i are really similar in so many ways. it hasn't been until recently that i have truly seen this. we care so much about others. i love the way jake is able to find something really admirable about the people he comes in to contact with. it is such a refreshing, and healthy way to percieve humanity. it's much easier and much less mature to have the opposite perception. that is to say, to focus on the negative aspects of the people that we encounter in our lives. once this perspective is changed, real joy can be found abundantly.
nick gividen also has this perspective.
both of these two have been there to grieve with me. they care so much about the person that i am, and the person that i am becoming. i long for that. the people that love me for the man i'll become. that i am becoming.
love is pain. that sounds like it should be on a t shirt. as it's cliche as hell. i always thought yeah yeah yeah. i know all about that. until recently i have had a hard time understanding my parents pain through love that they must have had for me. i am my own person. i am adopted and i don't feel like i was a natural fit for my family. they did the best that they knew how and it must have been so hard on them loving me, realizing the potential i had in so many areas and seeing me not attain that. i think that is all they ever wanted for me, for me to take advantage of the potential i had. i realize now that it would have been so helpful for our relationship. they would have allowed me so much more freedom. love would have been so much easier. yet they had love no matter what. it is something i struggle with everyday, living with the knowledge that i could have done better. i didn't put forth my best effort in to the things that were so important. one of those things was something that i considered the most important thing in my life. i could have tried harder. i thought i had a lifetime to do it. that might be growing up. that right there. realizing that nobody has that time that we think we have, and to waste that, to fail to learn, to run from growth, to avoid changing, to ignore problems, to stifle ourselves, to let life roll on as we let ourselves get comfortably numb, to fail to work on relationships, to fail to trust friends and lovers, to waste our selves away, to hide the facts, to ignore our hearts, that is the greatest mistake we could ever make. i wasted time and now doth time waste me.
love is embracing ourselves and our story as it has thus far unfolded and deciding to do something about it. to not waste our opportunities. to not fail to make amends with those we have become at odds with. to gain a new perspective. to cherish the days of our lives. to not let our lives become monotonous and devoid of meaning. to put the utmost effort in to our relationships realizing their value and the cost that can never be re payed if they are lost forever be it through time or circumstance. we can loose those we love so easily. to trust, to hope, and to care. to give thanks when things our good and when they are bad. to cry with a brother. to grieve with a friend. to say the words that can become too hard to say. i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
love is so deep. it is deeper than i could ever articulate. i wish i could. i will try to as accurately as possible. love is not always easy. it's something that takes constant work. never fool yourself in to thinking that it is something you can coast on. you have to work hard at it. even when it comes naturally. love is hope for the best, not for yourself, but for someone else. love remains even during the worst times, not just when love is received in turn. if you truly love someone that fact will not change no matter what the person has done to you.
i am reminded of matt bolt. matt and i can argue, disagree, and sometimes physically fight each other. we'll go our separate ways mad as hell at one another. The greatest thing ever is that i know that i will call him the next morning and say, "what a difference a day can make." there are times when i think that he's a grade a asshole, but my love for him remains no matter what. that is unshakable. i'd give that guy bone marrow in a heartbeat. if it were 15 on 1 i would fight till the death with that guy. he's been to hell and back. he's been there for me, for twenty years. that's love.
i think of jake salley. jake has shown me enormous amounts of love lately. what i love about jake is that he has a belief in a better tomorrow that is so essential. jake and i are really similar in so many ways. it hasn't been until recently that i have truly seen this. we care so much about others. i love the way jake is able to find something really admirable about the people he comes in to contact with. it is such a refreshing, and healthy way to percieve humanity. it's much easier and much less mature to have the opposite perception. that is to say, to focus on the negative aspects of the people that we encounter in our lives. once this perspective is changed, real joy can be found abundantly.
nick gividen also has this perspective.
both of these two have been there to grieve with me. they care so much about the person that i am, and the person that i am becoming. i long for that. the people that love me for the man i'll become. that i am becoming.
love is pain. that sounds like it should be on a t shirt. as it's cliche as hell. i always thought yeah yeah yeah. i know all about that. until recently i have had a hard time understanding my parents pain through love that they must have had for me. i am my own person. i am adopted and i don't feel like i was a natural fit for my family. they did the best that they knew how and it must have been so hard on them loving me, realizing the potential i had in so many areas and seeing me not attain that. i think that is all they ever wanted for me, for me to take advantage of the potential i had. i realize now that it would have been so helpful for our relationship. they would have allowed me so much more freedom. love would have been so much easier. yet they had love no matter what. it is something i struggle with everyday, living with the knowledge that i could have done better. i didn't put forth my best effort in to the things that were so important. one of those things was something that i considered the most important thing in my life. i could have tried harder. i thought i had a lifetime to do it. that might be growing up. that right there. realizing that nobody has that time that we think we have, and to waste that, to fail to learn, to run from growth, to avoid changing, to ignore problems, to stifle ourselves, to let life roll on as we let ourselves get comfortably numb, to fail to work on relationships, to fail to trust friends and lovers, to waste our selves away, to hide the facts, to ignore our hearts, that is the greatest mistake we could ever make. i wasted time and now doth time waste me.
love is embracing ourselves and our story as it has thus far unfolded and deciding to do something about it. to not waste our opportunities. to not fail to make amends with those we have become at odds with. to gain a new perspective. to cherish the days of our lives. to not let our lives become monotonous and devoid of meaning. to put the utmost effort in to our relationships realizing their value and the cost that can never be re payed if they are lost forever be it through time or circumstance. we can loose those we love so easily. to trust, to hope, and to care. to give thanks when things our good and when they are bad. to cry with a brother. to grieve with a friend. to say the words that can become too hard to say. i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
Friday, May 13, 2011
ramblings#49
Just to think this could be
The last time I hold you, hold you
ever again
Oh, I don't think I'll ever sleep till
morning
Cause she's the only one I've ever wanted
Oh, and in my ears
my blood is just roaring
Cause she's the only one I've ever wanted
I suppose that's just the way it is
The last time I hold you, hold you
ever again
Oh, I don't think I'll ever sleep till
morning
Cause she's the only one I've ever wanted
Oh, and in my ears
my blood is just roaring
Cause she's the only one I've ever wanted
I suppose that's just the way it is
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
ramblings#46
how the hell did i end up in the middle of all of this? so here is the deal. i can't make it here on my own. i can't deal with everything on my own. lord take this burden. i can do all things through you who strengthen me.
it always feels so fake to go to god during the worst of times. at least that's the outside looking in. me and god don't need a middle man. that is between me and him. but how do i get to the point where like matisyahu no matter what god be praised? how do i keep myself from drifting away when i fool myself in to thinking that i can carry the world on my shoulders? i am a punk. i hate rules. i love god. i have had that pointed out to me. i think it is awesome. because the love of christ can be the most liberating thing if you let it be that.
He is as narrow as himself and as wide as the universe.-Rob Bell.
I don't care what anyone thinks. I have grown closer to god lately. I love it. This new outlook has brought me more peace, self-esteem, joy, forgiveness, and optimism than i have had in a long time. I wish i had this outlook a little sooner. It's a process that takes a lifetime. It's all encompassing. It's all inclusive. It's better than anything i could ever come up with.
Forgiveness sets me free.
It allows me to be a punk.
Fuck i am loved.
it always feels so fake to go to god during the worst of times. at least that's the outside looking in. me and god don't need a middle man. that is between me and him. but how do i get to the point where like matisyahu no matter what god be praised? how do i keep myself from drifting away when i fool myself in to thinking that i can carry the world on my shoulders? i am a punk. i hate rules. i love god. i have had that pointed out to me. i think it is awesome. because the love of christ can be the most liberating thing if you let it be that.
He is as narrow as himself and as wide as the universe.-Rob Bell.
I don't care what anyone thinks. I have grown closer to god lately. I love it. This new outlook has brought me more peace, self-esteem, joy, forgiveness, and optimism than i have had in a long time. I wish i had this outlook a little sooner. It's a process that takes a lifetime. It's all encompassing. It's all inclusive. It's better than anything i could ever come up with.
Forgiveness sets me free.
It allows me to be a punk.
Fuck i am loved.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
ramblings#45
My best friend graduates from college today.
I would like nothing more than to be there for it.
There is no way i can be there.
Is there any love or justice in the world?
I mean we were best friends for god's sake.
I would like nothing more than to be there for it.
There is no way i can be there.
Is there any love or justice in the world?
I mean we were best friends for god's sake.
Friday, May 6, 2011
ramblings#44
and all the mayday riots
and all the cinco de mayos in this world
could not change the facts
and when the sun came up
womble opened his eyes
and the room came in to focus
he thought that it was just dark enough
for it would be quite hot today
he picked up his book
and left his worries behind him
he knew that he would have to work very hard
he knew that he would have to try his best
he knew that he would not immediately be rewarded for doing so
and still he let his worries fade away
for it was important that he learn this lesson
if you worry it wont help you
it will hurt you instead
womble had come a long ways
and all the cinco de mayos in this world
could not change the facts
and when the sun came up
womble opened his eyes
and the room came in to focus
he thought that it was just dark enough
for it would be quite hot today
he picked up his book
and left his worries behind him
he knew that he would have to work very hard
he knew that he would have to try his best
he knew that he would not immediately be rewarded for doing so
and still he let his worries fade away
for it was important that he learn this lesson
if you worry it wont help you
it will hurt you instead
womble had come a long ways
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
ramblings#43(thoughtsonthebeatles)
What can be said about the Beatles that hasn't already been said. Let me try my best to explain to anyone that is reading this just what they mean to me.
In 7th grade Mrs. Fisher had us write a sort of reflection of ourselves. I believe it was intended to be an exercise where we revealed something about us that our peers didn't know. It was a way to give others perspective about how we see ourselves. I remember one girl sharing a particularly revealing and surprising outlook on how she saw herself. It was surprising because her outlook was particularly bleak for one of the top students in our class. It depressed me. And for some reason i found it necessary to make that known to everyone, that i felt that this exercise was doing nothing but depressing the class room. Mrs. Fisher responded by saying, "You know Matt, life isn't always just hunky dory." Full of confidence i told her, "Whenever I am down i listen to the Beatles. Everyone should do that." I will never forget the look on her face.
Next year in 8th grade a girl in our class died. She was hit by a car at 13 at the California Poppy Festival. She was in several of my classes. One of them was an english class with Mrs. Fisher who had switched from a 7th grade teacher to an 8th grade teacher the previous year. The week after her death the class did several activities to assist the grieving of the class. It was during that week that Mrs. Fisher came up to me and said, "Matt i just wanted to tell you that you that i see what you mean. I was driving home the other day thinking about everything that has gone on, and it was just so overwhelming and then a song came on the radio. It was the Beatles. I wish i had written the words down because it was just so applicable to everything that we're going through. And i just thought, Matt was right."
There are very hard times in life. No one can deny that. Times where our world is turned upside down and not a soul in it can explain why it is the way it is. I find myself in the middle of one of those times. The Beatles offer unconditional comfort and acceptance. When i listen to the Beatles i can not stay down. How can anyone not watch their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan show and not feel their heart in their chest? If the Beatles could have existed in this world, i believe that things always can and will get better. To be continued.......
In 7th grade Mrs. Fisher had us write a sort of reflection of ourselves. I believe it was intended to be an exercise where we revealed something about us that our peers didn't know. It was a way to give others perspective about how we see ourselves. I remember one girl sharing a particularly revealing and surprising outlook on how she saw herself. It was surprising because her outlook was particularly bleak for one of the top students in our class. It depressed me. And for some reason i found it necessary to make that known to everyone, that i felt that this exercise was doing nothing but depressing the class room. Mrs. Fisher responded by saying, "You know Matt, life isn't always just hunky dory." Full of confidence i told her, "Whenever I am down i listen to the Beatles. Everyone should do that." I will never forget the look on her face.
Next year in 8th grade a girl in our class died. She was hit by a car at 13 at the California Poppy Festival. She was in several of my classes. One of them was an english class with Mrs. Fisher who had switched from a 7th grade teacher to an 8th grade teacher the previous year. The week after her death the class did several activities to assist the grieving of the class. It was during that week that Mrs. Fisher came up to me and said, "Matt i just wanted to tell you that you that i see what you mean. I was driving home the other day thinking about everything that has gone on, and it was just so overwhelming and then a song came on the radio. It was the Beatles. I wish i had written the words down because it was just so applicable to everything that we're going through. And i just thought, Matt was right."
There are very hard times in life. No one can deny that. Times where our world is turned upside down and not a soul in it can explain why it is the way it is. I find myself in the middle of one of those times. The Beatles offer unconditional comfort and acceptance. When i listen to the Beatles i can not stay down. How can anyone not watch their first appearance on the Ed Sullivan show and not feel their heart in their chest? If the Beatles could have existed in this world, i believe that things always can and will get better. To be continued.......
Sunday, May 1, 2011
ramblings#41
Day to day. Day to day. Well here are some thoughts that have been in my head. I have been having a lot of thoughts of love lately. I would like to do a formal rambling on love, like all of the other ramblings i have been doing. So i think i will save my thoughts on the subject for that time.
Here is something i am really proud of my self for doing. I have been doing really well at stopping destructive thoughts from ruining me. I use this analogy to keep me straight. I ask myself, why must i crush the head of the snake? The answer of course is because it has bitten me. And i must crush the head of the snake to prevent it from biting me again and its venom causing me continuous harm. And that is just the way i see it. I don't think it will always be like this. That is not really relevant at this point though. For now i must get away from the snake. Taking care of yourself is rewarding, although maybe not immediately. It's growing up. And that is just the way i see things.
I'm sitting here in my living room with Kyle Greenburg, David Linder, Evan Salley, Allie Choco, and Jake Salley. These are some of my friends. I love them all.
Here is something i am really proud of my self for doing. I have been doing really well at stopping destructive thoughts from ruining me. I use this analogy to keep me straight. I ask myself, why must i crush the head of the snake? The answer of course is because it has bitten me. And i must crush the head of the snake to prevent it from biting me again and its venom causing me continuous harm. And that is just the way i see it. I don't think it will always be like this. That is not really relevant at this point though. For now i must get away from the snake. Taking care of yourself is rewarding, although maybe not immediately. It's growing up. And that is just the way i see things.
I'm sitting here in my living room with Kyle Greenburg, David Linder, Evan Salley, Allie Choco, and Jake Salley. These are some of my friends. I love them all.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
ramblings#39(thoughtsonworrying)
I think worrying is maybe my worst character flaw. I realize that both of my parents worry about a ton of little insignificant things, and they probably in turn passed that on to me. But i worry about way too much. Or at least i used to. Lately i have been doing really well at letting go of all of the little things. I still am worrying about some bigger issues, but i am training myself to only take things ones step at a time and realizing that it has never ever helped me one bit to worry about these things. Some people might say that if i didn't worry i wouldn't be being true to myself, that that is just who i am. I say to them. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. When i was younger so much younger than today. I didn't have a care in the world. I didn't worry about the future. That was the point. No future. I was probably the most confident and secure back then when i didn't worry about everything. Oh there were things that bothered me, and it wasn't like i never had troublesome thoughts. But i never let them consume me, like i have somehow gotten accustomed to as of late. And so i say this. I let go of all of my worries. I am done making myself sick over nothing. I am done putting shit into my head that isn't even there. No Future for me. This will probably be a process that takes quite a bit of effort at first. I am confident that i will return to that state of mind that doesn't poison myself with useless worries.
I owe a lot of this outlook to my dear friend, and the biggest, and fat-est, arsenal supporter i know. Mr John Lydon. Thanks johnny. You never let me down.
I owe a lot of this outlook to my dear friend, and the biggest, and fat-est, arsenal supporter i know. Mr John Lydon. Thanks johnny. You never let me down.
Monday, April 25, 2011
ramblings#38(beingillwithwant)
Well, something has had me for a long time. I have been the type of person that let my lust for material possessions severely affect my life. I have been ill with want to borrow a line from those wiser than i. It took me this long for me to realize that nothing that i can posses will bring me true happiness. The only thing that is really worth investing in is the relationships that you have with those around you. It is sickening to look back on the things that i valued in my heart, over the the things that i had with actual value. The real relationships i had at my fingertips waiting for me to invest in. It is abundantly clear to me now that from now on, the only thing that i will place value in is my relationships with people. I am so tired of longing for things that have no real value in my life. I am excited to start investing in friendships, placing value in people, and longing for a deeper connection with all those that i encounter. I apologize dear friends that it has taken me this long, but i will never look back. No longer will i remain "ill with want and poisoned by this ugly greed."
i'm sure that i will have many more thoughts on this. I will share them as they come.
matthew
i'm sure that i will have many more thoughts on this. I will share them as they come.
matthew
Saturday, April 23, 2011
ramblings#36
Some thoughts have gotten stuck inside my head. This is an attempt to unstick them. Right now books are probably the best things for me. Besides socializing with all of my friends, books seem to be doing the most for me. Well books and writing things like this blog. I like new thoughts roaming through my brain. I'm at a point where i could go round and round and round if i let myself. And so i need distractions. These distractions are not bad things. They do not change anything about what i have learned or what i want to accomplish. They are just keeping my head focused.
My dad gave me some really encouraging words today. I love my dad. He has a lot of love in his heart. I do too. But his is really something else.
Not so much a time for thoughts. More a time for actions. Time for heroes really.
My dad gave me some really encouraging words today. I love my dad. He has a lot of love in his heart. I do too. But his is really something else.
Not so much a time for thoughts. More a time for actions. Time for heroes really.
ramblings#35
i am going through a lot right now. i have a lot i have learned. I have a lot i need to deal with. the biggest thing at present is showing myself who i truly am. Throughout my life i have always been confident and secure. Somewhere along the way i started depending on those around me to assure me that i was these things. I do not need that. That is not loving. That is not kind. It can not be the responsibility of anyone except yourself. I am today who i have always been. Matthew Allan Pinckard. I love who i love, but i do not expect them to validate who i am. They do not give me self worth. I know what i am worth. Love is caring about yourself just as much as you care about someone else. I have that. I always have. It was just easier to rely on somebody else to make me feel confident. Easier. Childish. But i am a better man for having gone through it, with something learned. I will not let it repeat itself. From now on, i will carry that love for myself proudly along with the love i have for others.
I have a full day ahead of me. I am strong enough to see it through. with the love for everything i know still intact. the love for myself. the love for all of those that i cherish and ultimately want the best for. the love for all that is good.
I have a full day ahead of me. I am strong enough to see it through. with the love for everything i know still intact. the love for myself. the love for all of those that i cherish and ultimately want the best for. the love for all that is good.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
ramblings#31
im making this for dinner tomorrow.
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Black-Beans-and-Rice/Detail.aspx
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Black-Beans-and-Rice/Detail.aspx
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
explanation to the following ramblings
the next few posts i will be sharing, are much like my other ramblings. the only difference being that these are the ones that i took the time to put ink to paper. they are from the past few weeks. i hope that sharing them brings the same release all of my other posts have given me. After all that is what this is all about. These are for me. These are once again, my heart.
matt
matt
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
ramblings#19(thoughtsonforgiveness)
for the past week or so i have been trying to be angry at people. i have been trying to direct what i feel inside. i have been trying to justify hurt with anger. and sometimes i get frusturated. but i am not being true to myself.
i am not truely angry. i am hurt and desperately want the pain to stop, but not hateful. i will not let myself become biter or angry at people. i truely love and truely forgive. forgiveness at this point is a day to day action. i trust that soon it will be automatic. letting go of the anger and hurt. remembering that we all make mistakes. and then remembering to love. it is putting everything i have said about love to the test. if i truely love someone that fact would not change because that person hurt me. and it hasn't. it's something new that i haven't experienced before.
so to everyone that has seen me in a moment of pain and aguish know this. i let go of my hurt and pain and replace it with love. i replace the words of hate that i desperately wanted to feel, with the caring words that i truely feel. we are called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. i don't think i have any real enemies, but if i ever see them i hope that i can love them. somehow.
this is how i truely feel, i have failed myself by pretending to feel hate or animosity. i choose forgiveness. i choose peace.
and that is my heart.
i am not truely angry. i am hurt and desperately want the pain to stop, but not hateful. i will not let myself become biter or angry at people. i truely love and truely forgive. forgiveness at this point is a day to day action. i trust that soon it will be automatic. letting go of the anger and hurt. remembering that we all make mistakes. and then remembering to love. it is putting everything i have said about love to the test. if i truely love someone that fact would not change because that person hurt me. and it hasn't. it's something new that i haven't experienced before.
so to everyone that has seen me in a moment of pain and aguish know this. i let go of my hurt and pain and replace it with love. i replace the words of hate that i desperately wanted to feel, with the caring words that i truely feel. we are called to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us. i don't think i have any real enemies, but if i ever see them i hope that i can love them. somehow.
this is how i truely feel, i have failed myself by pretending to feel hate or animosity. i choose forgiveness. i choose peace.
and that is my heart.
ramblings#18
red bull was not what i needed. but there were these two girls and they had back pack coolers of red bull. and right now i am will take whatever i can get my grubby little hands on. to make it through the next hour.
i have been learning so much lately. it's all coming so fast. and you don't just learn the lesson and that's that, you continually live these things out everyday. it's hard and sometimes i don't see what good is going to come out of any of it. i am learning what it means to love myself. it is so good to have such encouraging friends who show me who i am when i get down. i hope that i learn to do this by myself soon. even though there is no shame in letting your friends pick you up.
jake said something really meaningful to me last night. jake in the next two years i promise i will get something going. sooner than that. i love you. your faith in me really touches my heart. i can't wait to start something. it's what i was meant to do.
it means so much when someone else sees it in me.
i have been learning so much lately. it's all coming so fast. and you don't just learn the lesson and that's that, you continually live these things out everyday. it's hard and sometimes i don't see what good is going to come out of any of it. i am learning what it means to love myself. it is so good to have such encouraging friends who show me who i am when i get down. i hope that i learn to do this by myself soon. even though there is no shame in letting your friends pick you up.
jake said something really meaningful to me last night. jake in the next two years i promise i will get something going. sooner than that. i love you. your faith in me really touches my heart. i can't wait to start something. it's what i was meant to do.
it means so much when someone else sees it in me.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
ramblings#16(thoughtsonencouragement)
about a week ago i was told something that truly humbled me. I was walking through work and an old man told me, "Matt, you look a little more like a man each time i see you." i was shocked. how could he have known that that was just what i needed to hear?
thank you lord.
thank you lord.
Monday, April 4, 2011
ramblings#15(wombleandwolfman)
brothers and sisters. pray for me.
as the wolfman howled at the moon, the poor little womble wormed his way around the devil's garden. the great h drought was not yet over and as they were not accustomed to such inferior h, they thought it best to conduct their evening business in the rose garden. "i could have sworn i left some here once" wolfman cried as they relentlessly searched the garden for even the smallest trace of high quality h. and that's when they saw her. one look and they knew she was a rotter. it was unmistakable. she was quite charming, but one look into her eyes was all it took to know who she was. "i have one vial" they heard her say from her cold red lips, smiling at their groveling. desperately trying to seduce them. wolfman looked at womble and they both ran like hell. "what a rotter" wolfman laughed. womble just stared straight ahead. how he wished he had not recognized her for what she was. how he wished h was not in short supply. how he wished he was back in wormwood scrubs, ironically free as a bird. but all that he could tell his dear friend was, "it's a pity 2,000 quid just ain't what it used to be. will this drought ever end? i can't afford it to go on much longer."
as the wolfman howled at the moon, the poor little womble wormed his way around the devil's garden. the great h drought was not yet over and as they were not accustomed to such inferior h, they thought it best to conduct their evening business in the rose garden. "i could have sworn i left some here once" wolfman cried as they relentlessly searched the garden for even the smallest trace of high quality h. and that's when they saw her. one look and they knew she was a rotter. it was unmistakable. she was quite charming, but one look into her eyes was all it took to know who she was. "i have one vial" they heard her say from her cold red lips, smiling at their groveling. desperately trying to seduce them. wolfman looked at womble and they both ran like hell. "what a rotter" wolfman laughed. womble just stared straight ahead. how he wished he had not recognized her for what she was. how he wished h was not in short supply. how he wished he was back in wormwood scrubs, ironically free as a bird. but all that he could tell his dear friend was, "it's a pity 2,000 quid just ain't what it used to be. will this drought ever end? i can't afford it to go on much longer."
ramblings#13
running on about three hours of sleep if that. so worn down. not just tired. i feel like that kid. with a head full of doubt. so i'll scream till i die or the last of my bad thoughts are finally out.
yeah i know. my heart is screaming. just give me the strength for today lord.
yeah i know. my heart is screaming. just give me the strength for today lord.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
ramblings#12
what do you do, where do you go when the party's over? well i have been keeping busy. one thing is for sure, sam crittenden's house is going to be the coolest place in glendora. oh wait. it already is. there is a zipline into the pool in the works that will be ready to go by next week, and the poop shoot is getting re-tarped. cause you have to do that to poop shoots every now and then. tarp em up. if you don't know what i'm talking about you need to go to sam's house. as matt bolt always says, "it's like disneyland, except it never closes."
clean shaven or die. it makes me really happy that at least some people in the world can grow legitimate beards. the house smells like weed. i guess i am the one who would notice something like that. but it doesn't bother me. i love these guys. i have some real friends and brothers in them. it's sad that it took me until now to realize this.
tonight is boys night. so if your boys want to die you let em. girls wanna cry forget em. i love that line. BITERS. everyone should listen to them.
does anybody know any one that wears ben sherman clothes? i love ben sherman. they are so english. so all the skins and mods van pretend its 1969 forever. and that sounds fantastic.
i have been going on a lot of runs lately. this is good because, a. i have always wanted to start running again, and b. running helps me clear my head. and that is always a good thing. soccer has been so therapeutic to my life. but i have discovered that following it too closely is not. not that i don't love arsenal, but lately i have all but forgotten the season and that is a good thing. i am not really a sports fan. i think i like football because of the idea of community, your friends by your side, and staying loyal to a team until you die. i think i can only be a big soccer fan when i'm on top. and it's weird, these days no one is loyal to a team based on geography. of course i shouldn't say no one, but people don't have to be. "my team" is thousands of miles a way. anyway enough about football. that's not really what has been on my mind at all.
i am going through a tough time in life. i feel like i am changing for the better and growing, but that doesn't make things easier. growing up is not easy. but i am proud of myself for learning. i have really been working hard at becoming the man that i am, and that i will be. it won't happen in two weeks, it won't happen in a month. but it's happening whether i like it or not. i am proud of the way i have been tackling it head on, as hard as it is everyday. i pray that i never let my guard down. i want to learn from every experience in my life. i want to live a life i am satisfied with. and that's all a man can hope for.
laundry is done. time to cook. a new recipe a week. that's what i am shooting for. so far so good.
and it feels so good just to say what i need to say. i can't wait to scan some things and share them. i can't wait to write more of them.
clean shaven or die. it makes me really happy that at least some people in the world can grow legitimate beards. the house smells like weed. i guess i am the one who would notice something like that. but it doesn't bother me. i love these guys. i have some real friends and brothers in them. it's sad that it took me until now to realize this.
tonight is boys night. so if your boys want to die you let em. girls wanna cry forget em. i love that line. BITERS. everyone should listen to them.
does anybody know any one that wears ben sherman clothes? i love ben sherman. they are so english. so all the skins and mods van pretend its 1969 forever. and that sounds fantastic.
i have been going on a lot of runs lately. this is good because, a. i have always wanted to start running again, and b. running helps me clear my head. and that is always a good thing. soccer has been so therapeutic to my life. but i have discovered that following it too closely is not. not that i don't love arsenal, but lately i have all but forgotten the season and that is a good thing. i am not really a sports fan. i think i like football because of the idea of community, your friends by your side, and staying loyal to a team until you die. i think i can only be a big soccer fan when i'm on top. and it's weird, these days no one is loyal to a team based on geography. of course i shouldn't say no one, but people don't have to be. "my team" is thousands of miles a way. anyway enough about football. that's not really what has been on my mind at all.
i am going through a tough time in life. i feel like i am changing for the better and growing, but that doesn't make things easier. growing up is not easy. but i am proud of myself for learning. i have really been working hard at becoming the man that i am, and that i will be. it won't happen in two weeks, it won't happen in a month. but it's happening whether i like it or not. i am proud of the way i have been tackling it head on, as hard as it is everyday. i pray that i never let my guard down. i want to learn from every experience in my life. i want to live a life i am satisfied with. and that's all a man can hope for.
laundry is done. time to cook. a new recipe a week. that's what i am shooting for. so far so good.
and it feels so good just to say what i need to say. i can't wait to scan some things and share them. i can't wait to write more of them.
Friday, April 1, 2011
ramblings#10
i have spent the first part of the day doing work around the bolt household. it feels really good. putting things up. thinking for yourself. working. problem solving. i love it. it is great to help other people. it is great to learn new things that make you a more responsible and ultimately a more knowledgeable person. i need to do more of that. it just feels good.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
ramblings#9
what i would do for something to say. i just feel exhausted. my soul is tired. my mind is tired. i have been going up and then down and then up and back down. i guess that's a part of the process. i want to just drive. i am looking forward to a week off of school for spring break. i am going to use everyday of it, no every hour of it to rest, relax, refocus, and recharge. i don't want to go home, but it will be good for me to do so. i want to cry. i want to scream. i want to go out and shake the world. i want to laugh. i want to sing. all at once. i am trying hard to stay focused on me. i really like myself. i want to try harder. i want to move faster. but you speed up time. you can't shut yourself off to this process. you can't stop growing. i am growing up. and i'm becoming a better man for going through it. and i will always be. i have a long way to go, even though it feels like i have come so far. i still have a long way to go. i thought i had a grasp on the whole one day at a time idea, but now that i have really come to terms with it, it is much better than i imagined. it is not an easy adjustment, and you can never forget about the people you love and care for. but just take things as they come. cherish the moments that the day brings you. it's a balance. look forward to the future but be present and honest with yourself everyday. it is easy to say, but it means so much more to act upon and live by.
my friend sevanna got a job at ikea. how awesome is that? what a place to work. it reminds me that we need a new coffee table. we'll have to go get one once she starts working there. i am continuing to try and find a new job. i almost had one at the student book store but my class schedule prevented me from being able to get the job. that is such a bummer. but i keep looking, and i keep trying. who knows what i will find. lets see what the next hour has in store for me.
my friend sevanna got a job at ikea. how awesome is that? what a place to work. it reminds me that we need a new coffee table. we'll have to go get one once she starts working there. i am continuing to try and find a new job. i almost had one at the student book store but my class schedule prevented me from being able to get the job. that is such a bummer. but i keep looking, and i keep trying. who knows what i will find. lets see what the next hour has in store for me.
ramblings#8
oh boy. there are times when i stop and think. and think and think and think. it's important to remember that worrying about every little thing does nothing but drive you crazy, and those around you crazy as well. It's a breath of fresh air to let them all go. this is one of the ways i do that. i wish i had learned this lesson sooner. but the important thing is that i am learning the lesson.
the new rob bell book arrived yesterday. it's already a good interesting read. it is really soothing to my soul right now. i like that. i like that a lot.
the new rob bell book arrived yesterday. it's already a good interesting read. it is really soothing to my soul right now. i like that. i like that a lot.
ramblings#7
i have dreamed for two weeks straight. i never dream. at least i never remember my dreams. i guess i need to put a notebook right next to my bed so that the moment i wake up, i can write down my dreams. i would like to remember them.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
ramblings#6(thoughtsonabrokenscanner)
i make it a point to try and write these out physically. i like it that way. i feel human. not that i will go on and on about how the internet is the ruin of mankind. i think it's a very useful tool, and it is helping me release. i have no complaints there. but right now my usage is very purposeful. i hope that it remains that way. anyway. when i write these out physically i like to photograph them. and then upload them. i can't wait to do that. i have a back log of work that has been flowing out of me. but it's just as good to get them out, as it is to upload them. i don't need to upload them. but i would like to. it feels nice to share these things. even if they are going unheard, the act of putting it out there for anyone and everyone is the important part.
astronomy. how fun. i can not wait to finish this course. the things we go through. and come out stronger, wiser, and better. It is hard to see. hard to remind yourself. but ultimately true.
i feel the need to get a tattoo. it is good to get them in times of trial. it reminds you forever what you went through. i have been considering a tiger head for a long time. thinking purely that i like the idea of an old sailor jerry type tiger head, just because. i have a lion's roar inside my head. waking me up, never letting me rest. it's a good thing.
i'm on this path. i enjoy the journey. when i think of where i have been, and where i am, i am amazed. where i will be tomorrow i don't know. that's more exciting than it sounds.
i ordered rob bell's new book. i need something to focus on. i love reading. i love learning. i love searching. i am excited to read this book. the george washington biography is good, however i need a little more right now. i need something to chew on. i'm a biter.
once school is over i will go home. and spend some time with my friends. that's who they are. it's so good to be that with them. never take any relationship for granted. our interactions with human beings mean so much more than we think they do. i am working on the ones that i can. some i can not work on at this point. in time i will be able to. i am learning to be content to focus on the ones that i can now. there is a lesson in it. i am sure of it.
i like poetry. peter doherty is a poet. he really is. the scenes he paints are so vivid and honest. he is an english rose himself. rising to the occasion of the times. inviting us to china town for opium and tea. pray don't look back into the sun. the time will come, and they said it would never come for you.
so much in my head. i let it leak out onto the screen. guard down. horse is brown. people learn, change and grow. they are not predetermined to be someone. things happen because you make them happen. that's true to some extent. be honest. be willing. listen. i have not done that in too long. i pray its not too late. it never is.
it never is.
astronomy. how fun. i can not wait to finish this course. the things we go through. and come out stronger, wiser, and better. It is hard to see. hard to remind yourself. but ultimately true.
i feel the need to get a tattoo. it is good to get them in times of trial. it reminds you forever what you went through. i have been considering a tiger head for a long time. thinking purely that i like the idea of an old sailor jerry type tiger head, just because. i have a lion's roar inside my head. waking me up, never letting me rest. it's a good thing.
i'm on this path. i enjoy the journey. when i think of where i have been, and where i am, i am amazed. where i will be tomorrow i don't know. that's more exciting than it sounds.
i ordered rob bell's new book. i need something to focus on. i love reading. i love learning. i love searching. i am excited to read this book. the george washington biography is good, however i need a little more right now. i need something to chew on. i'm a biter.
once school is over i will go home. and spend some time with my friends. that's who they are. it's so good to be that with them. never take any relationship for granted. our interactions with human beings mean so much more than we think they do. i am working on the ones that i can. some i can not work on at this point. in time i will be able to. i am learning to be content to focus on the ones that i can now. there is a lesson in it. i am sure of it.
i like poetry. peter doherty is a poet. he really is. the scenes he paints are so vivid and honest. he is an english rose himself. rising to the occasion of the times. inviting us to china town for opium and tea. pray don't look back into the sun. the time will come, and they said it would never come for you.
so much in my head. i let it leak out onto the screen. guard down. horse is brown. people learn, change and grow. they are not predetermined to be someone. things happen because you make them happen. that's true to some extent. be honest. be willing. listen. i have not done that in too long. i pray its not too late. it never is.
it never is.
French Word Of The Day (mot du jour)
rigoler-Definition: (informal) - to laugh, have fun, joke
J'ai bien rigolé en regardant ce film - I laughed a lot while watching this movie.
On a bien rigolé, ce soir - We had a great time tonight.
Tu rigoles ! - You're joking!
Related: (all informal) la rigolade - a bit of fun; rigolard (adj) - grinning, ready for a laugh; rigolo (adj) - funny; un rigolo - comic, funny person
Pronunciation: [ree guh lay]
J'ai bien rigolé en regardant ce film - I laughed a lot while watching this movie.
On a bien rigolé, ce soir - We had a great time tonight.
Tu rigoles ! - You're joking!
Related: (all informal) la rigolade - a bit of fun; rigolard (adj) - grinning, ready for a laugh; rigolo (adj) - funny; un rigolo - comic, funny person
Pronunciation: [ree guh lay]
ramblings#5
i stare vacantly at the keyboard. but oh so pretty. why is class canceled? Not that it does any good. right now being in class is probably worse. Attention spans are shrinking all over the world. Our generation, once expected to have at least a 30 second attention span, has had their minds bombarded and battered. They have worn down to the point of 15 seconds, or i turn away and forget about it. It makes the intro so much more important i guess. Focus on the task at hand. Lest we forget. Forgot. Too late.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
ramblings#3
just let it all out. run around until you just fall down asleep. i'm letting these fly faster than a ramones tribute band. ouch. shoes. don't think. just feel. i have done a lot of thinking. i need to do a lot of feeling. it is release. let me tell you. once you find release. don't stop. things will build up again. don't let it back up too much this time. but that can take a life time to figure out. but it doesn't have to. you could figure it out a lot faster. and sometimes the process can be accelerated. but when the minutes feel like hours. and days feel like weeks. it seems that things will take a lifetime. and that is why i need my friends. we all need our friends. especially now. it has been a real joy to realize that i have some incredible friends. i have real brothers. and i have new friends that have been there for me after i have failed them for so long. sevanna scott is a wonderful person and a true friend and i love her dearly. i hope that our friendship continues on and on and on. i hope that i can serve her as a real friend. that would make me so happy. nick gividen is my brother. i love nick so much. the friendship nick has shown me over the last two weeks reminds me what it means to have a best friend. i am so glad that god is using nick this summer and that he is going to be in azusa with me. i have really missed him every summer. it is gonna be great to have this friendship this summer. and right now in the mean time. jake salley has become my brother these past two weeks. words of wisdom and guidance. friendship. counsel. love. what a friend i have in him. and there are the usual brothers. matt bolt. andrew rehfeld. brian moreland. sam crittenden. and there is andrew bowerman. andrew has shown me love in so many ways. his example has had a huge effect on everything. forever changing my perspective. i love andrew,and i can't wait to see how his love and compassion changes the world. i expect nothing less of it. kassidy heal and matt bohlka have been another set of big brothers to me. i have looked up to kassidy ever since i can remember and it is so incredible to have a real friendship developing with him and matt. they have let me know that they are there for me. showing me love, helping me every step of the way. i have a million ideas that bounce around in my head. i am learning so much. time waits for no one. i want growth. i want compassion. love that passes understanding. healing. wisdom. guidance. friendship. i can't get enough. i can't get enough. my head hurts. my heart hurts. my mouth hurts. my soul is weary, but it is growing. i feel it now.
ramblings#4
and here we go. away and away and away. "what the fuck do you want?" he muttered from the dark room. "get out of the room you much." "you dare say that to me before i've had me sausage you nub ill slit your throat cookey!" "piss off sorry i've distrurbed you morning wank, there is an h drought you know." "well i'm going to china town anyways" "yeah?" "eah" "fuckin ell." "will you get out of bed we got a car waiting?" "sorry nob." the door slams shut.
ramblings#2
the time we spend wasting time. i don't want to waste another second of my life. i never want to be complacent again. i was taught this lesson so long ago. when did i decide that it wasn't important? now i feel that it is the most important aspect of my life. i will be done with school in two years. i hope that i can start or join a band like the BITERS or the Booze. i want that for myself right now. this week i have decided that i don't want to double major in music. it was weird coming to this realization that i never wanted to be a studio musician. i never wanted to be a band teacher or a guitar instructor. at least at this point. i want to become the best musician that i can be. i think that four semesters of music theory have been useful tools to better me as a musician. and i want to start taking lessons and playing so much more consistently. but i never wanted to be making a living off of music, just to say i was making a living off of music. i want to do it on my terms. i can't hold myself back any longer. i need to write and play and really reach for the stars. i love playing bluegrass music. i love rock and roll. i love the idea of being in a rock and roll band with people that get it. The BITERS get it. THe Booze get it. The Avett Brothers get it. Nick gets it. Jake gets it. I get it. You know who i really admire in regards to being a musician. Kyle Greenburg. He is not a music major, yet he puts in so much time and effort on his instrument. It is so awesome to see the dedication and effort that he puts in to not only music, but a lot of the aspects of his life. it inspires me to do the same. music is so crucial. it's hard right now. i need new music. i need the music that has never let me down. i need to just crank up an old tube amp and melt into the tone that rattles my teeth. because music is in the bones. i don't know where the fuck i got it from. but it's in the bones. it's in the bones.
ramblings#1
saw a bench in the park that had g town skins on it. crossed out to say g town mods, crossed out again to say g town skins again. and we all fall down the hill. laughing because we don't want to cry. and you have to grow. always grow and learn. and change. and most importantly love. never stop loving.
i never understood that. until now. i hope that on my tombstone it says he never stopped loving. he fought cynicism until the bitter end.
there is something about the brotherhood of john, paul, george, and ringo that never fails. just four boys from liverpool who grew up in front of the world. totally in love with rock and roll. and each other. if the beatles had never broken up, it wouldn't be as magical. in the end they were destined to implode. they carried the weight of the world on their shoulders for ten years. they eased the pain of vietnam, the assinations of jfk, and mlk. they were there when we walked on the moon for the first time, and they are always there when we need them to be.
i will start writing about what these bands mean to us. i have a lot that i want to share. and when i can't share i'll share more.
i never understood that. until now. i hope that on my tombstone it says he never stopped loving. he fought cynicism until the bitter end.
there is something about the brotherhood of john, paul, george, and ringo that never fails. just four boys from liverpool who grew up in front of the world. totally in love with rock and roll. and each other. if the beatles had never broken up, it wouldn't be as magical. in the end they were destined to implode. they carried the weight of the world on their shoulders for ten years. they eased the pain of vietnam, the assinations of jfk, and mlk. they were there when we walked on the moon for the first time, and they are always there when we need them to be.
i will start writing about what these bands mean to us. i have a lot that i want to share. and when i can't share i'll share more.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Vallentines Day Is Over
Winter is almost over. Not that anyone would notice around here. Although there was snow on Altadena ridge. February was a low month. Finally got through the dreaded cash drought of the winter. From $160 for a power jack replacement, to $190 for jaywalking. I am finally out of the black and into the red (so give us this day our daily bread.) But who am i to complain. Take it easy, but take it.
I finally started my life long goal of reading a biography on every president of the united states. but i think you have to read more than one washington biography. it reminds me of an early day in june. Being in eighth grade. The summer on our skin as we explored the east as the west was won. Can i ever explain it? Can i ever put it into perspective? A recent attempt pales in comparison to the memory.
March will be here soon. what a month. down in fullerton with the BITERS and the Booze. Pre order of all Chewed up on the 1st. At Maximum Volume is out today. For tomorrow we die. And then live again, in the paradigm.
I finally started my life long goal of reading a biography on every president of the united states. but i think you have to read more than one washington biography. it reminds me of an early day in june. Being in eighth grade. The summer on our skin as we explored the east as the west was won. Can i ever explain it? Can i ever put it into perspective? A recent attempt pales in comparison to the memory.
March will be here soon. what a month. down in fullerton with the BITERS and the Booze. Pre order of all Chewed up on the 1st. At Maximum Volume is out today. For tomorrow we die. And then live again, in the paradigm.
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