i have learned a lot about love lately. i thought i knew enough about it. you can never learn enough about it. i thought that i could explain it. I thought that it was explained in itself, because i felt it so strongly. i am getting a whole new perspective on things.
love is so deep. it is deeper than i could ever articulate. i wish i could. i will try to as accurately as possible. love is not always easy. it's something that takes constant work. never fool yourself in to thinking that it is something you can coast on. you have to work hard at it. even when it comes naturally. love is hope for the best, not for yourself, but for someone else. love remains even during the worst times, not just when love is received in turn. if you truly love someone that fact will not change no matter what the person has done to you.
i am reminded of matt bolt. matt and i can argue, disagree, and sometimes physically fight each other. we'll go our separate ways mad as hell at one another. The greatest thing ever is that i know that i will call him the next morning and say, "what a difference a day can make." there are times when i think that he's a grade a asshole, but my love for him remains no matter what. that is unshakable. i'd give that guy bone marrow in a heartbeat. if it were 15 on 1 i would fight till the death with that guy. he's been to hell and back. he's been there for me, for twenty years. that's love.
i think of jake salley. jake has shown me enormous amounts of love lately. what i love about jake is that he has a belief in a better tomorrow that is so essential. jake and i are really similar in so many ways. it hasn't been until recently that i have truly seen this. we care so much about others. i love the way jake is able to find something really admirable about the people he comes in to contact with. it is such a refreshing, and healthy way to percieve humanity. it's much easier and much less mature to have the opposite perception. that is to say, to focus on the negative aspects of the people that we encounter in our lives. once this perspective is changed, real joy can be found abundantly.
nick gividen also has this perspective.
both of these two have been there to grieve with me. they care so much about the person that i am, and the person that i am becoming. i long for that. the people that love me for the man i'll become. that i am becoming.
love is pain. that sounds like it should be on a t shirt. as it's cliche as hell. i always thought yeah yeah yeah. i know all about that. until recently i have had a hard time understanding my parents pain through love that they must have had for me. i am my own person. i am adopted and i don't feel like i was a natural fit for my family. they did the best that they knew how and it must have been so hard on them loving me, realizing the potential i had in so many areas and seeing me not attain that. i think that is all they ever wanted for me, for me to take advantage of the potential i had. i realize now that it would have been so helpful for our relationship. they would have allowed me so much more freedom. love would have been so much easier. yet they had love no matter what. it is something i struggle with everyday, living with the knowledge that i could have done better. i didn't put forth my best effort in to the things that were so important. one of those things was something that i considered the most important thing in my life. i could have tried harder. i thought i had a lifetime to do it. that might be growing up. that right there. realizing that nobody has that time that we think we have, and to waste that, to fail to learn, to run from growth, to avoid changing, to ignore problems, to stifle ourselves, to let life roll on as we let ourselves get comfortably numb, to fail to work on relationships, to fail to trust friends and lovers, to waste our selves away, to hide the facts, to ignore our hearts, that is the greatest mistake we could ever make. i wasted time and now doth time waste me.
love is embracing ourselves and our story as it has thus far unfolded and deciding to do something about it. to not waste our opportunities. to not fail to make amends with those we have become at odds with. to gain a new perspective. to cherish the days of our lives. to not let our lives become monotonous and devoid of meaning. to put the utmost effort in to our relationships realizing their value and the cost that can never be re payed if they are lost forever be it through time or circumstance. we can loose those we love so easily. to trust, to hope, and to care. to give thanks when things our good and when they are bad. to cry with a brother. to grieve with a friend. to say the words that can become too hard to say. i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
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